This Lane Bryant model probably isn’t much bigger than the pin-up cowgirl, underneath that tent of a coat.
I wonder how big “chubby” was when that Lane Bryant ad was printed? Who would qualify? Maybe Ethel Mertz? Fred Mertz constantly made fun of Ethel’s weight, and she never looked big to me. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.
She’s on TV right this second, dancing in her new video, singing, “I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 22.” And that’s great because she is 22. She doesn’t seem to DATE 22, but whatevs. It’s a free country.
Now, I’m not 22, so I don’t feel remotely 22. But here’s the thing I don’t get: I don’t feel the age that I am. I feel more like quadruple 22. Like a good solid 88. What’s up with that? It’s like middle age plus interest.
Now if I were 22, I might spin around dizzily and gloat about it as well. I graduated college at 22, so yay–one dream accomplished. Has it benefited me in any way? Well, that’s another post. I own a video of me at 22, tanned and fit, doing front handsprings in a blue gingham bikini on the back lawn of a lake house. So, yeah, 22 was pretty freaking great. Nicole Brown Simpson didn’t fare so well that year, but sometimes life sucks.
Taylor starts the song with these words:
It feels like a perfect night to dress up like hipsters
And make fun of our exes, uh uh uh uh
It feels like a perfect night for breakfast at midnight
To fall in love with strangers
Yeah, not so much for me. I have some reading glasses so that I can read the size 4 font on the Advil bottle, but I don’t possess any horn rim glasses, so I’m out on the hipster thing. And exes? Exes are something you bury deep in the recesses of the past, raised like Lazarus at the sound of arena rock songs, then quickly repressed again. Highway run… And breakfast at midnight? Well, that’s a good possibility, due to a decade of insomnia. But it won’t be eggs. Gotta watch my cholesterol. Hello, shredded wheat. And mercy, girl, don’t fall in love with strangers. Keep your knees together or you’ll find TROUBLE, TROUBLE, TROUBLE.
In the chorus, she sings, Everything will be alright if we just keep dancing like we’re 22. I did a lot of dancing at 22, but it wasn’t to pop country, Miss Swift. In fact, Shania Twain hadn’t even been invented yet. Back then, they showed videos on MTV. It was a very Gin Blossoms and Warren G time in history. When Tom Petty came on the radio, singing the verse, “Oh, my my, oh, hell, yes, honey, put on that party dress,” it was a joy. Pure joy. But you can’t dance to Mary Jane’s Last Dance. There was also a hit called Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm. No lie. That was depressing. Can’t dance to that. And then there was this weird totally instrumental song that sounded like monks or something called Return to Innocence by Enigma. Can’t even sing to that. And lastly, the omnipresent little Lisa Loeb and all her nine stories, with her cat’s eye glasses, staring into the camera, singing Stay. Poutable, but not danceable.
So forgive me if I can’t dance like I’m 22. Or 32. But I have degenerative discs now, including torn and bulging ones. So I don’t know about you, but I should probably just sit this one out. Maybe in the new plush recliner. With a glass of moscato in my hand. Yes, that sounds like a plan.
This is all well and good if you don’t have to get up twice nightly to pee. I would worry my child would fall out the opening at the top and tumble down the steps to a painful injury. Even the bottom bunk looks painful. I’d throw my hips out just trying to crawl up into it, and then there’s no doubt my ankles would graze those drawer knobs at the bottom and bruise me up. And what about changing the sheets on laundry day? That would certainly tax the lower back. I bet it gets warm and humid in there as well, with no ventilation on the sides. And what if she has a nightmare and bolts upright, only to bump her head on that ceiling light? Really, this is more trouble than it’s worth.
“April hath put a spirit of youth in everything.”
― William Shakespeare
Every adult American remembers where he or she was on 9/11. What you may not recall is that the following Friday was deemed a day of patriotism, and citizens were encouraged to wear their red, white, and blue to show support for all who had perished in the attacks. That day, I took my camera and two rolls (yes, rolls) of film and drove around the county, snapping photos of homes that had otherwise never flown flags in their yards, of cars and trucks and humans decorated in American colors, and it made my heart swell to see such pride.
It wasn’t a common enemy that we shared; it was the mutual sense of loss, that life as we knew it was over, and even the young ones who had never experienced a world war or the Cold War knew that the security we had always known was gone forever. People who didn’t know us wanted to kill us on our own soil, and they didn’t mind losing their own lives in the process. And we didn’t get it. Who would serve a “god” that wanted them to kill strangers? And why kill innocent civilians instead of soldiers, prepared for war? Who was the Taliban? It was sick and evil, and so were the men who perpetrated it.
But on that day, the Walmart, the Tractor Supply–all stores big and small–sported flags. Now if you don’t live in America, you might think they always have flags up. They don’t. That’s because Americans aren’t allowed to feel pride. The last time it was okay for us to feel good about our heritage was under Reagan. Every nation’s peoples should have the right to feel proud of the land where they were born. But not us. We’re supposed to feel guilty for every wrong ever perpetuated in the last two hundred years, nevermind that we ended World War II. Nevermind that we donate billions in aid to other countries, including ones that despise us. No, we’re not perfect, but our land is not full of hate, of people who seek to destroy other nations. This is a land with a history of welcoming immigrants who have been persecuted by their own people.
But on that Friday, we didn’t have to apologize for being born American. It was even permissible to have faith.
What I don’t get is how brief that period of patriotism lasted, how quickly people reverted to their own lives, how little unity meant. No, these pictures aren’t World Trade Center passersby, covered in ash, and they aren’t pictures of planes plowing into buildings. They are just a window in time during that one week in a small town, where it was “allowable” to mention God, allowable to love the United States, and every soul felt the tangible sadness of the tragedy, from large home to small.
From barbeque marquis to cardboard signs…
from lamppost to balloon…
from lumber store to hardware store…
and of course, churches.
I spotted this woman in the Walmart parking lot.
And as the sun set that day, I saw gratitude for all of our veterans, young and old, and Todd Beamer’s immortal words “let’s roll.”
Twelve years later, I still give thanks for freedom and for all our veterans. It doesn’t matter if it’s Memorial Day or Veteran’s Day or the Fourth of July. Or just plain old April 13th. God bless America.
Yes, it’s ugly as sin, but it still beats the daylights out of those damn omnipresent swooshes. I HATE swooshes! Swooshes belong on Nikes, not recreational vehicles. I had fully intended to prepare an entire dissertation on this scourge, but dangit–somebody already did. To see examples of other hideous RVs such as this one decorated by drunk Zorro,
visit: http://2penniesworth.com/2010/08/30/the-good-the-bad-the-ugly-rv-graphics/. Otherwise, just hop on the highway and absorb the hipness that they emanate live and in person. Nothing says gas-guzzling cross-country road trip like some nelly-ass decals. This is a travesty! Why can’t Sarah McClachlan cry about this on cable at midnight? Stray tabby cats be damned!
