You are not allowed to do this. You are not John Travolta, and chances are high that you will never caress neither Idina Menzel nor Scarlett Johansson, as he did last Sunday at the Oscars.
Despite the allegiance to Scientology, gay rumors, and alleged hairpiece, he is still John Tra-freaking-volta. These weird antics do not negate his Travolta-ness. Did you ever welcome back Mr. Kotter? Heck to the no. Were you ever in a plastic bubble? I think not. You are not leather-jacketed commitment-phobic Danny Zuko driving Greased Lightning. You were never white-suited disco-dancing emotionally immature Tony Manero. You never could turn that beat around.
So don’t even try getting in on some double Kanye action.
That is best left to Vinnie Barbarino himself.
I say let the Travolta hairline recede and swell like the rising tides. Let him proposition his masseuse. Let him pilot planes into Neverland. Let the crazy roll in and roll out.
Brother, you were J.T. before Timberlake stole your title. Steal it back like he brought sexy back! Talk your crazy L. Ron Hubbard talk with that eerie contented smile that Tom Cruise shares. Like nothing gets you down. Press your puffy senior digits into pretty girls’ faces half your age. I don’t care. You be you. But us regular folks cannot follow suit.
Now, readers, do not despair. This you can do.
Arms around your Allman brother buddies, celebrating and thumbs-upping. Go for it.
But charging through a stranger’s comfort zone to decorate him with blinking lights like Helen Keller on a Douglas Fir, no, sir. This is strictly Travolta territory. Do not try this at home.
Oh, come on. You remember Jerry. The kid with the buzz cut in Stand By Me.
In that pic, he actually looks pretty fit by today’s standards. It was probably just those horizontal stripes that gave him swell factor. Anyhoo, he’s all growed up now, just turned 41 last Tuesday, with full, dark eyebrows that make him look like an angry Thundercat.
He and former model Rebecca Romijn have twin girls with smile-inducing names: Dolly Rebecca Rose and Charlie Tamara Tulip, named after Ms. Parton and Jerry’s nearly-identical brother, respectively. How cute are they?
Although Jerry and Rebecca were married in 2007, she told Conan O’Brien that she was “too lazy to go to the DMV” to change her current legal name of “Romijn-Stamos” on her driver’s license, from her prior marriage to Full House‘s Uncle Jesse. Here they are with part of Judy Garland’s daughter’s boob.
Honestly, Rebecca–it’s been nearly 8 years. That’s one of my pet peeves, people not changing their drivers’ license information asap. I hit the DMV the day I got back from my honeymoon. Gotta sever those strings, honey. Even to a hunky half-Grecian.
Did you spend hours on a school bus each dreadful morning and liberated afternoon with friendly-faced drivers such as these? Or were your drivers a little touched in the head? Did your buddies shoot spitballs at the back of said heads?
Recognize these faces? Surely they wouldn’t cause any trouble.
No rebellious nature in these well-behaved young men.
The 1941 students appear much more welcoming. All aboard!
Oops! Caught them mid-embrace!
Buses allowed downtime to chill with your pals.
Perhaps you were on a sports team and took a chartered bus. I can’t say as I ever did that.
And after all these years, they keep rolling.