Winner Of Atlantic City’s First Bathing Beauty Contest

“I Remember Distinctly”

Miss Washington, above, won the title in September of 1921 with knees “daringly bare.”

By 1923, hemlines had shifted to show yet more thigh. Can you even imagine wearing stockings to go swimming?

By 1935, the winner received a crown, robe, scepter, and a moment on the throne.

No wonder Atlantic City has been immortalized in art.

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Fall’s New Fence-Hopping Fabrics

Autochromes Lumiere by G. Heurlin, 1928

Today we pay homage to the costumes of Old Sweden. The ladies above were from Rättvik, a Swedish lakeside locality adjacent to a bunch of words that sound like the Swedish Chef said them. They were waiting for a “conveyance” to take them back home. Who says that anymore? Probably not even the people of Sweden at this point.

Next, we see another three dolls, Dals to be precise, in Boda, a locality situated in Rättvik Municipality. Already, you can notice the Swedes liked red horizontal stripes, which flatter almost none of us.

They were also fans of hats, as you can see in this next pic of a native of Södermanland, the duchy of then-Prince William. No, not that William. And no, not douchey, but duchy, which is a territory of a duke or duchess, or a dukedom. But not a dumb duke.

Speaking of fetching hats, this next trio sported three different variations. Mora’s hat, on the left, was “staidly Puritan.” Mora is a place, not her name. The middle girl, from Rättvik, wore a peaked cap with red stitching, perched atop the back of her head. The Leksand girl on the right wore a white cap only if she was married, and red if not.

Not to be outdone, men also sported old costumes and winter sleeping caps.

This bloke from Hälsingland is wearing something that reminds me of Rip Van Winkle. The quote below him says,

Therefore my age is as a lusty winter,
Frosty, but kindly.

– William Shakespeare

Children were not immune from donning gay apparel as well, while the women of Lake Siljan held tools.

by Wilhelm Tobien

As you can see, they could not get enough red stripes.

Rare were the outfits that strayed from the norm. But always, the head was covered.

Two maids stood in the doorway of an old farmhouse at Leksand, one hopeful and one bitter.

In modern-day Leksand, natives still sport traditional folk costumes as a nod to their past. Way to keep the history alive, ladies!

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Supermodel Cyclops

October 87 Vogue

Back in 1987, Cindy Crawford may have been bronzed (and possibly narcoleptic), but she lacked the use her right eye.

Once her tan had faded, only her left eye was functional, and seems to have contracted a nasty case of pink eye, to boot.

Linda was the next victim of vision impairment, which may explain her shoddy yellow eye shadow application.

Christie’s left eye is hidden beneath this fetching safety pin hat. It might prove helpful if she needs emergency hemming.

Iman was only partially impaired by her curly strands. However, her poor lobes were taxed with cutlery. Nothing like the feel of prongs scraping against your collarbone to remind you that forks are the enemy of supermodels.

Nowadays, it’s important to have both eyes free of impediments so that you can properly text while driving. Eyes work better in tandem. Just ask this guy!

giphy twilight zone

 

Sample My Wares

National Geographic Society, Finlay Photography by Bernard F. Rogers, Jr.

While this pretty maiden humbly offers two bunches of grapes on sticks during a Roman Grape Festival, her old-fashioned costume betrays her. She is no country bumpkin. As the article states, her wristwatch shows that she is a modern woman, and chances were high that she was actually an extra from a nearby movie studio.

This grape girl wrapped her finest grapes in paper packages, while the salesgirl below sold roses in assorted colors.

If a flower girl could not carry her burden, she used a beast.

Bernard F. Rogers, Jr.

This donkey was piled high with daisies, violets, and chrysanthemums, brought in from the fields to Nemi, near Rome. With such plentiful bounty, vendors often gave faded flowers to children to beat on the pavement and watch the petals fly.

Those who weren’t selling got into the spirit by wearing provincial costumes to celebrate products from the many district vineyards, displayed in the Basilica of Constantine. That’s a serious middle hair part.

Once the Grape Festival got underway, 25 floats made their way down the streets. This one depicts Bacchus (Dionysus), the ancient Roman and Greek wine god. As the oxen moved, the tongue revolved as if lapping wine. Ew.

 

I Am A Winter, And My Glasses Are Hidd-Yuss

Feb 1985 Vogue

Actually, these owlish, oversized specs aren’t as hidd-yuss as most of the following glasses from 1985. But these Ted Lapidus ones certainly qualify.

She seems to be gritting her teeth to prevent from cursing their bulky black bamboo frame, perfect for eating kung pao shrimp.

The next model seems to have moved on to dessert.

April 85

I guess boys DO make passes at girls who wear glasses–especially if it’s Sophia Loren. She must have loved her some curlicues. And pearls. And lace.

How about supermodel Paulina, sporting patriotic fingernails?

Sorry, but those hoopy metal sunglasses are awful. Just awful. Even on Paulina.

And who among you wants their frames to be at nostril level? Not I.

March ’85

These white ones might have appealed to me as a teen, but what they delivered in style, they lacked in peripheral vision. Thus the pout.

And what about these? They remind me of spreading butterfly wings. Is she in an indoor wind storm?

Well, I hope you enjoyed this trip down memory lane (and I hope you’re wearing your glasses). After all, it’s the best way to enjoy the interwebs.

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