Alice In Dairyland
Category: Funny
Checking For Shoulder Pads
Delicious Brick Oven Pizza
Yesterday, after church, we were saying goodbye to one of our token old people, asking about his latest stent implantation and his knees, sharing about the pizza buffet we’d visited the day before, to which he scrunched up his nose. He nearly shivered with disgust, the way I do when I hear that Kevin Smith will be a guest on tonight’s late-night talk shows.
You see, our septuagenarian hates dairy. He’s not even lactose-intolerant. He just doesn’t like cheese. Even though there are a bajillion cheeses in this world–creamy, melty, full-fat cheeses, he doesn’t cotton to them. And that pretty much rules out a ton of mealtime options. Including pizza. I don’t get it. I’ll eat pretty much any flavor of pizza, thin ‘n’ crispy or deep dish, and I’ll eat it cold for breakfast the next morning. Throw an egg on it, I don’t care.
So even though he’s not right in the head, bless his heart, we love him anyway–misguided opinions and all. I understand why he’s so grumpy all the time now. Life without cheese is no life at all.
Oh, and P.S.–that first image isn’t a brick oven at all. It’s a glass factory about 100 years ago, with some child labor thrown in for fun. I’m sure that standing all day on bricks and breathing in that stagnant air made for a long work shift. I bet those boys wouldn’t be prat enough to turn down some cheese.
I’ll Take A Pass On Sports, Thanks
The Good Lord would have made us heels over head if he’d intended such nonsense on a balance beam.
No, I didn’t turn the picture. You can see the janitor behind him, wondering why any man in his right mind would want to be perpendicular to a pole when he could just push a broom like a normal person.
And these guys look super-psyched about this helmet.
Sports make you hot and sweaty. Even the coach looks hot, and he’s not even playing. Sports gave him crow’s feet.
Even cheering is tedious. These young cheerleaders look exhausted, trying to count 2-4-6-8.
This might be the only sport I’d try, because of the cute suits. But not if my hair got wet. Or there was pee in the pool. Nevermind, forget it.
When My Husband Hears Lowe’s Is Having A Sale
I have to hold him back, or he’ll spend his entire paycheck there.
“The only thing better than singing is more singing.” — Aretha Franklin
My singing voice is somewhere between a drunken apology and a plumbing problem. – Colin Firth (www.brainyquote.com)
Some of the wise boys who say my music is loud, blatant and that’s all should see the faces of the kids who have driven a hundred miles through the snow to see the band… to stand in front of the bandstand in an ecstasy all their own. –
Stan Kenton
Communicating Your Needs Effectively
Living/Not Living
Living things: 99-year-old author Beverly Cleary
Things not living (even though he was last month): Abe Vigoda on Late Night With Conan O’Brien.
Who is the oldest person you know? A WWII veteran? A great-aunt? How old do you want to live to be?
Once Upon A Time, In My Wildest Dreams
Confidence goes a long way toward getting chicks, and this lion’s-maned manmeat has it in spades–or checkers. The trousers can’t be Sansabelt because there is most definitely a belt, in all its gleaming white glory.
It’s such a shame that I was in cloth diapers when these handsome hotties from 1974 were swinging and single. How could a gal ever choose just one?
Those mutton chops, that ‘stache, the white groin pockets, the button fly–it all means business.
My stars, evidently the candy man can with his supersized camera. I feel like we caught him in the middle of a shuffle ball change.
All I know is he mixes it with love, and makes the world taste good.
Early Sobriety Tests
Betty Beach is one of the country’s thousands of women who’ve recently gone into necessary civilian service to release a man to fight. And she loves it! It has meant telescoping her life…making the most of every minute. For her beauty care, she’s sticking to DuBarry Beauty Preparations…first introduced to her in the Famous Success School Course.
I don’t get it. She uses make-up to keep her nose “pretty” so that the pilot will find her attractive? What on earth?
Where Sombreros Are Born
Ever wonder how it is that every full-service Mexican restaurant has ample sombreros to place upon each birthday patron’s head? Now you know.
These milliners are ankle deep in straw hats of different weaves. Do you own one, tucked into the back of your closet? No? Have you ever been the lucky sap beneath the hat at a Mexican restaurant? I have. At the place we patronize each Sunday after church, they chant a generic name to the birthday boy or girl. “Happy BIRTH-day, Panchito, Happy Birthday to you!” And then Panchito gets complimentary fried ice cream.
Head Over Heels
I Don't Get It 