Boyardee Fail: Pizza Does NOT Marry Well With Fruit And Milk

Tangy pizza with apples and milk (double dairy?) makes about as much sense as pizza spacecat.

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Delicious Brick Oven Pizza

Illustrated history of the United States

Illustrated History of the United States

Yesterday, after church, we were saying goodbye to one of our token old people, asking about his latest stent implantation and his knees, sharing about the pizza buffet we’d visited the day before, to which he scrunched up his nose. He nearly shivered with disgust, the way I do when I hear that Kevin Smith will be a guest on tonight’s late-night talk shows.

giphy.com

giphy.com

You see, our septuagenarian hates dairy. He’s not even lactose-intolerant. He just doesn’t like cheese. Even though there are a bajillion cheeses in this world–creamy, melty, full-fat cheeses, he doesn’t cotton to them. And that pretty much rules out a ton of mealtime options. Including pizza. I don’t get it. I’ll eat pretty much any flavor of pizza, thin ‘n’ crispy or deep dish, and I’ll eat it cold for breakfast the next morning. Throw an egg on it, I don’t care.

john's pizzeria

john’s pizzeria

So even though he’s not right in the head, bless his heart, we love him anyway–misguided opinions and all. I understand why he’s so grumpy all the time now. Life without cheese is no life at all.

Oh, and P.S.–that first image isn’t a brick oven at all. It’s a glass factory about 100 years ago, with some child labor thrown in for fun. I’m sure that standing all day on bricks and breathing in that stagnant air made for a long work shift. I bet those boys wouldn’t be prat enough to turn down some cheese.

As Italian As Naples

GoodHousekeepingFeb58009

No need for expensive airfare or pushy bellhops when Chef Boy-Ar-Dee can transport you to Naples with its “zippy pizza sauce.” Go ahead and scratch the Amalfi Coast off your bucket list altogether. Why bother when you can taste Italy in your mouth?

Fun Fact #1

The company itself was founded back in 1928 by Italian immigrant Ettore “Hector” Boiardi in Cleveland, Ohio. You know, where Drew Carey is from. Taking note of Americans’ incapacity to pronounce highfalutin foreign words, Boiardi named his products Boy-Ar-Dee. Boy, are dey stoopid. 

Fun Fact #2:

Though he passed in 1985, his likeness remains on the cans to this day. Buon appetito!