The Case For Coffin Nails And Lung Darts

Smoking looks pretty fantastic in ads of yore. I may need to rethink my vices. Toweling off never looked so exhilarating.

1955 Phillip Morris
1955 Phillip Morris

Have you ever seen a more fetching football ensemble? It even has a place to hold her smokes. She’s ready to toss an entire carton your way.
KUFall41-011These guys are the picture of good health. If they can smoke Camels and protect our liberty, shouldn’t you?

part 1 camels

The problem at Christmastime is discerning which Santa to heed. KU47011

JayhawkerCom43-013Too tough to decide? In any event, Chesterfield makes a pretty good case for evening winding-down. I could curl up inside that window into 1936. Let’s just hope she doesn’t fall asleep with the butt still burning.

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Judy, Judy, Judy*

HChron55-056*Though often attributed to him, Cary Grant never actually said, “Judy, Judy, Judy” in any movie. Evidently it was another lesser-known actor, who was greeting Judy Garland while doing his Cary Grant impersonation, who said it.

Places To Go, People To See, Part III

Look, honey, there on the horizon–rich folk!

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Not in the mood for a skin-damaging tan and a romp in the sun? Try exciting Canada!

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HolidayJune52-012

“Treasures! Uncrowded!” Uncrowded? Is that the best selling point? I suggest:

Canada–get your prescriptions here!

You Americans can’t travel that far north? How about tropical Wisconsin? The sun literally bleached the brown out of her hair, and it will bleach the germs off you, including pesky ebola. If that’s not enough incentive, you can enjoy moderately-priced food!

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HolidayJune52-013

Well, that’s enough travel for me. Dick and Jane bottle-feeding a fawn is cuteness overload. A full-page ad for Wisconsin and they didn’t even use the word “cheese”!

Places To Go, People To See, Part II

I thought Arizona was a desert, but I hear it’s flooding right now.

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When I think of Arizona, I don’t think of lush, verdant fields and crops, much less apple trees. But that’s only because they never showed that on episodes of Alice, set in Phoenix in the 1970s.

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This, however, is just as I imagine New Mexico would be, assuming both the feather-spangled Indian/Native American and conquistador are ethereal ghosts of the pasts.

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Speaking of deserts in 1950s travel brochures, this, of course, was Vegas and poolside ping pong. But if you prefer to stay dry…

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Are you up for a ghost town visit? It looks dusty and hot. And what about the Chinese Joss House? Have you ever heard of such a thing?

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But this Ramona Room I could do. Happy hour drink specials? Air-conditioning? Tropical dancing and serenading? That I could definitely do.

Highkicking It Old School, Majorette Style

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According to the World Baton Twirling Federation, baton twirling is a sport involving the manipulation of a metal rod with the hands and body to a co-coordinated routine. Many moons ago, soldiers would twirl rifles as they marched in parades. As the activity progressed, a rifle twirler moved to the front to get the party started. To keep from accidentally shooting onlookers, rifles made way for batons, rods made from hollow light metal with light rubber ends, balanced to give accuracy to the twirler.

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Once the batons were lightened and balanced, the weaker sex could finally lift them into the air with her small muscles. Short skirts and high-stepping routines assured that males would watch as they pranced. These guys don’t seem to mind the view.

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By 1940, men were resigned to the back row. But why are their hats so tall? Did they store their lunches in them? A Frenchman could hide both a baguette and a bottle of merlot in there. I find them oddly reminiscent of the minions of the Wicked Witch of the West.

http://repocomedy.com/
http://repocomedy.com/

Places To Go, People To See, Part I

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Have a hankering to visit the Sunshine State? No, not the Australian state of Queensland!

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But before you start packing, please review the following:

http://visual.ly/50-insane-facts-about-florida
http://visual.ly/50-insane-facts-about-florida

Where does one get a license to skateboard? The same place you procure a license to ill?

geography

Never more than an hour from the ocean? Fresh seafood, here I come!

Superfecta: Knock Knees, Incontinence, Bowling, And The Uncola

It wasn’t Red Bull that gave her wings.

7Up-003Let’s not go overboard, Cindy. It’s only a spare.

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 Not everything can be the pause that refreshes. Now where’s the Seagram’s?

http://www.prosportstickers.com/
http://www.prosportstickers.com/

So wholesome? Is that so? Can babies drink it?

Seven-Up_Baby_1955

Ready For Winter

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Another triple digit day, week, and month here in the Lone Star State with zero precipitation and not a chance of rain as far as the eye can see. I can’t wait until the temps drop down to 95 and we ladies can wear just one brassiere per day. You try walking a dog/doing dishes/trimming hedges at 8am and see if your bra doesn’t wind up ready to wring out by 9am. October can’t get here too fast!

Winner Of Ugliest Font Contest

 

Sears71-022If I were a few decades older, had a poodle dog blue-tint permanent, cats-eye glasses, and support hose, I would jump up and yell, “Bingo!” because this font is hideous. By golly, this font is downright repellent, like a Gwyneth Paltrow quote or Kevin Smith himself.

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Indeed, the letters themselves appear to be wearing bellbottoms, or be suffering from pedal edema. As close as I can find, it looks like the Karloff Negative font, but my research was minimal. It would make sense, however, as Borlis Karloff was known for his horror movie roles, and this is horrific. Gee, this font looks horrific.

The 1971 catalog itself however, is the bomb. The cat’s meow. The bee’s knees.

Who can resist the poor man’s James Garner, wearing his not-a-wedding-ring and sporting a polyester/rayon blend? Do you see that “brown stripe” sample? That is legit cloth. I’m touching it. It has the feel of a fine silk blend.

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Yep, this catalog, preserved for four decades in a midwest basement, is in excellent condition, with a crisp mint green envelope inside.Sears71-026All you had to do was affix a SIX CENT stamp, until May of that year, when they jumped up to an atrocious eight cents. You, too, could order tailored clothing.

Prior to the convenience of online shopping, all you had to do was pick your fabric, have your wife measure you, and send in your check. Easy-peasy, right?

Sears71-025To complete the look, black Roy Orbison-inspired prescription sunglasses are suggested. P.S. Roy Orbison was not blind.