Tag: Cars

Car-Baby Convertible

Holiday magazine, June 1952
Holiday magazine, June 1952

What could possibly go wrong in this topless trunk, balancing on the back seat?

HolidayJune52CarBaby003

This next one looks like little more than cardboard and a strap.

http://www.envoiturecarine.fr/
http://www.envoiturecarine.fr/

If baby just wants to chill, baby can recline with an extra pillow and a lap belt.

http://www.petrolicious.com/
http://www.petrolicious.com/

You’d think the idea of “just turn it around” would create all kinds of neck injuries upon impact. I’ve never seen a car like this, so I guess the idea never took off.

http://www.petrolicious.com/
http://www.petrolicious.com/

Nope. Here’s the headline from a July 2015 article: Volvo Takes Kids’ Safety To New Heights, Showcases Customised XC90 SUV Featuring Innovative Baby Seat.

http://en.yibada.com/
http://en.yibada.com (an awful site due to its onslaught of ads)

What do you think? Does this look safe for baby? What if Jumpsuit Barbie flings all 105 lbs of her waxed body into him at a hard stop? Would that be a good idea? And won’t Barbie be silently resenting her position, relegated to the back seat, second priority in Ken’s life? That’s got to mess with her psyche. I don’t see it happening, Volvo.

Before Hitchhiking Got You Murdered

Viking49-008

Actually, no one car could pick up all of those hitchhiking girls at one time. They’d need a caravan–or just a van in general.

Well, however and wherever they wound up, they were still alive in the morning. Look how refreshed and alert these early risers are.

Viking49-009

TGIF, y’all. TGIF.

 

Just Past Nine

UnivOfColorado55-020

The Climax Molybdenum Company donated the land for a high altitude observatory in Climax, Colorado, where University of Colorado weather observers encountered Arctic-like blizzards.

UnivOfColorado55-021Sure looks like frosty conditions!

 

Derelict Hobos & The Demise Of The Running Board

hobosDid you realize these unkempt tramps were to blame for the ruin of the running board? Neither did I. Not until today. But this 1941 Chevrolet ad has opened mine eyes to the truth.

LifeFeb41-032

Just look at those adjectives: swank and streamlined. Running boards were preventing those adjectives from existing. And look how happy she is! A woman who wears an entire colony of minks on her frame is a woman I can trust. Maybe it’s badgers, wolverines–I don’t care, as long as they keep her warm.

And did you know there was a real fear of package-carrying tweens in knee breeches and dress shoes attacking your windows if your car had running boards? It was practically an invitation.

LifeFeb41-033Here I was thinking auto makers had simply stopped caring about style, but all along, I was wrong. I had never stopped to consider the peril involved in taking TWO STEPS.

LifeFeb41-034

This is what they mean when they talk about light-bulb moments, friends. Running boards were downright dangerous.

dangerous

It’s December, folks. Some of you Northerners can relate to Trenchcoat Trent and the loss of his dapper derby. Should that really happen in a civilized country? God bless Chevrolet for hitting CTRL+ALT-DEL on the cursed running board.

Made In USA vs. Made In France

Today we study another page of our favorite condescending Parisian magazine, Réalités. Just saying it makes me feel pretentious. Réalités. Zee reality of ziss Frenchman sans shirt makes me gag.  But nice Studebaker!

Realites-011

Realites-012

I like how they advertise that the Dyna Panhard (incidentally, the name of an exotic dancer at Austin’s Yellow Rose, a strip club which serves free steak/shrimp buffet on Fridays–that’s today!) will drive 80 mph and then show an image of it in a park. Do Parisians drive cars on sidewalks promenades? I am not familiar with these customs. That’s even more arrogant than American cyclists riding 25 mph in lanes made for cars driving 65 mph.

And how would you fit six passengers in that? Is it Sunday morning coming down for Simone? Is she lost, doing the drive of shame back to her appartement? Even in a car the size of a Ford Festiva, driving off-road with children and prams nearby seems unsafe. She could go barreling out of control and hurtle toward the pond. Girl, please! Oh, look–that’s what her license plate says. 1954, please!

 

Cloudy With A Chance That One Of You Drove A Camaro Z28

Who could it be now? Ted, Shawn, or Michael?
Bronco85011It’s a tough call, but my money’s on Shawn. I can see the rumpled Code Bleu jacket in the back seat, next to a can of New Coke, a ticket stub for Rambo: First Blood II, and an empty Dokken cassette case. You rock so hard, Shawn.

While we’re at it, who’s the proud owner of that black Trans-Am that always screeches into the roller rink near closing time, scouting pubescent girls in banana clips and Esprit blouses?

http://galleryhip.com/american-muscle-cars-1980.html
http://galleryhip.com/american-muscle-cars-1980.html

Is it Ben, Larry, or Franswya? Ben is bringing the preppy Blaine vibe, but I heard he drives a totally rad Ford Bronco. Larry is not allowed to operate heavy machinery until he’s done participating in the clinical trial, so it must be Fran, giddy as heck.

Bronco85012

I do hope that Franswya is not an alternate way of spelling François, but either way, he’s in his 40s now, so he’s at peace with the name. It’s not quite as unsettling to me as boys named Kameron, but like the overrated movie Frozen (really, what was the BIG deal?), I’ll let it go. Let’s focus instead on Bob.

Bronco85013
What about Bob? I don’t care if those keys are to his Porsche 944, I’m not going. I’m taking the school bus home today.

 

Vulcanizers In The Motor Age, Part II

This 1919 Motor Age magazine is chock full of great images, so make sure you checked out Part I.Motor Age1919011 Perfection Asbestos. Isn’t that redundant? Motor Age1919012But it’s not just ads; Detroit was concerned with safety. Motor Age1919003 And they had plans for the car of the future. Motor Age1919004 One article discussed autogenous welding in automotive repairs. Motor Age1919013And of course, there are the cars themselves, including this bullet-shaped Fiat.

Motor Age1919014

Thanks for spending some time in the past, in a time before all of us were born.