Let’s Meet Up For Coffee & Be Despondent
Category: Humor
Put On Your Red Shoes And Dance The Blues
Countdown To May Day
Perhaps your state will start re-opening as per its Phase I guidelines on May 1st. Perhaps it’s May 8th. All I know is it WILL be May, and folks will be getting prepped and ready to shine.
Betty can breathe on Martha, and Martha can cough on Mary.
Carl won’t have to wipe down that wooden chair seat after he gets up.
The line at Great Clips will stretch past the adjacent Subway and Pizza Hut in the strip malls.
The cleaners will be packed with piles of people’s threadbare sweats and yoga pants.
Cobblers will be cobbling.
Diners will be packed elbow-to-elbow.
People might even board public transportation.
Ew. Seriously gross. Kirk is even having second thoughts about cushions never cleaned.
Butchers will be butchering, fileting, de-boning, and slicing deli meats and cheeses.
Department store racks will be scoured for wider waistbands.
Bars and restaurants, clubs and dance halls will throw open their doors and welcome the traumatized masses, stumbling in to relearn dances, to rebuild their tolerance to cocktails, and use public restrooms.
The streets will sound with joyous rapture and merry harmony. “So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye” to coronavirus.
At least…for now.
Quarantining With Toddlers
One Month Down, One More To Go
Today makes a full four weeks of quarantine for us.
It’s the first Sunday in 13 years that I haven’t sung during the Easter service.
We miss going to the Strand and chatting up high-risk seniors on park benches.
I haven’t filled my gas tank since Friday the 13th of last month, the last day of school, and our last orthodontist visit for the foreseeable future.
No Ross, no Lowe’s, no Hobby Lobby. We can’t even drop off used items to Goodwill.
And how we miss our restaurants! Will our favorite server, Victor, still have a job?
Who will keep our iced tea full come summer?
Meanwhile, kids are hating self-quarantine and distance learning.
They’d rather be at school, texting friends and ignoring their teachers, eating lunch off poorly-cleaned cafeteria tables and discussing lucrative employment opportunities in the 2020’s. Add cyberhacker to that list, boys–and marginal girls!
We long for the days of popping into the grocery store quickly, without 20 minutes of pre-planning, gloves, masks, sanitizer pump, and a towel to protect our car seats from the questionably COVID-covered grocery bags.
Even a trip to the corner Walgreen’s requires the same preparation. Oh, for the days of running inside quickly for their 2 for $1 Arizona green tea specials!
I could be in and out in under 5 minutes!
No more sitting in goat-powered Radio Flyers, eating Drumsticks with chocolate nubs at the bottom of the cones, and spilling the neighborhood tea while the pharmacist informs Mom that the prescription for Vicodin is not legit because the doctor forgot to use the new watermarked paper for narcotics.
We’ve all been there, right? Those were the days.
Why, there probably won’t even be play dates until May at the earliest! No more construction paper tepees and happy little trees.
Yes, it’s certainly been challenging, all this self-isolation and quarantine.
But this shall yet pass, and soon we will gather on the plains for campfire grub again.
Life will begin to bear a semblance of normalcy, although never exactly the same.
Until then, don’t let it get your gander up! That is, your dander. Happy quarantining!
Baby, You Can Check My Tires
Is it me, or does that look like a frosty pint of ale, instead of motor oil?
The attendants were so thoughtful, giving lollipops to youngsters! This was before kids were diabetic, when Mom wore pearls and heels to fill ‘er up.
And Dad wasn’t left in the dark. Roy could talk shop and spill the tea. He was worse than a gossiping hen.
Makes you want to travel on the wide, open road, don’t it, folks? Well, maybe in late May…
Mixed Feelings About Ms. Eichmann’s Punch
It’s Just Me, Myself, & I
During these heady times, it’s hard to refrain from going stir crazy. But keep in mind that cabin fever is always better than lowgrade fever. Even the President said a hell-to-the-no when Birx mentioned her fever.
In the words of Nirvana, stay away.
Running out of ideas for solo activities? Well, let’s take a cue from history.
You could make a pyramid, reminiscent of the wonder of the world. You will be self-isolating, so no one will see your Daisy Dukes or judge your ale intake.
You could bundle up under the covers and read a good book, or just the Cliff’s Notes.
Catch up on the funnies in your paper.
You could science up and create a vaccine.
Or spend time with microfilm. How long has it been?
Try tobacco! And maybe write the Great America Novel while you’re at it!
Lie on your bed (but first take your saddle oxfords off because the virus can stay on the soles of your shoes for days) and think about yesterday, when all your troubles seemed so far away.
Pick up the telly and place a call to an elder relative whom you usually avoid because conversations with them are meandering and taxing and oppose your belief system.
If spring has sprung in your town, pack a sack lunch and head over to a nearby park, spray the entire bench with Lysol, sit down, and enjoy a snack, while hearing the mating calls of the doves.
And if you are part of the unfortunate “essential” few who have to be in public, remember to wear your mask.
When The Cashier Coughs Twice In A Row
When I See People Not Practicing Social Distancing
Who’s Ready To Get Out Of Quarantine?
Today we spotlight the students of WHHS in 1978. “Let us out! Let us out!” they shout to the hills.
Maybe you’re feeling like this girl right now. You can’t even.
Maybe you’re delirious with cabin fever, or you’re wearing the same shirt three days in a row, the one in desperate need of spot treatment with stain remover. Seriously, you need to Shout that out, girl.
No doubt about it, emotions are running high these days.
There might even be some name-calling going on.
But you can still make an effort to communicate with your spouse, maybe over a couple of Dr. Peppers.
Ladies, there’s no excuse not to don your “Foxy Lady” belt to entice him during quarantine.
Especially if he’s a super hunk.
And if he’s not feeling randy, you can always spend time with a good book.
Just remember: we’re in this together, and before long, we’ll all be hanging out again.
But for now, we’ll have to make do with drive-by waving.
Eye On The Prize
She’s not listening to a word about Ken’s board meeting. Why? Because Old Forester, that’s why. It’s not called Old Banker for a reason, Ken.
But Meg’s not the only with her eye on the prize.
Behold, Irish eyes are smiling. And why wouldn’t they be? It’s a lovely day to be outdoors in the piney woods, jaunty green hat askew, sporting a thick gold wedding band, smell of beef charring in the air. Somehow, there’s an endless tap of beer in the park. Keep it flowing.
Why? Because dextrins and maltose and B-complex vitamins, like your doctor said. It does a body good, and pairs well with burgers and horseshoes. Cheers to healthful values!
I Don't Get It 