Fashion – Page 13 – I Don't Get It

When Ancient Santorini Yayas Try To Fist Bump You, But Your Hands Are Full

Sorry, Yaya. No fist bumps today. Hope that black isn’t absorbing all the heat from the sun. She looks happy enough. Even her left eyebrow is smiling. Somehow.

And you would, too, if you lived in Santorini, the croissant-shaped Greek island. Why, just look at it!

Sunset over the village of Oia © Andrew Mayovskyy / Shutterstock

Supermodel Cyclops

Back in 1987, Cindy Crawford may have been bronzed (and possibly narcoleptic), but she lacked the use her right eye.

Once her tan had faded, only her left eye was functional, and seems to have contracted a nasty case of pink eye, to boot.

Linda was the next victim of vision impairment, which may explain her shoddy yellow eye shadow application.

Christie’s left eye is hidden beneath this fetching safety pin hat. It might prove helpful if she needs emergency hemming.

Iman was only partially impaired by her curly strands. However, her poor lobes were taxed with cutlery. Nothing like the feel of prongs scraping against your collarbone to remind you that forks are the enemy of supermodels.

Nowadays, it’s important to have both eyes free of impediments so that you can properly text while driving. Eyes work better in tandem. Just ask this guy!

Sample My Wares

National Geographic Society, Finlay Photography by Bernard F. Rogers, Jr.

While this pretty maiden humbly offers two bunches of grapes on sticks during a Roman Grape Festival, her old-fashioned costume betrays her. She is no country bumpkin. As the article states, her wristwatch shows that she is a modern woman, and chances were high that she was actually an extra from a nearby movie studio.

This grape girl wrapped her finest grapes in paper packages, while the salesgirl below sold roses in assorted colors.

If a flower girl could not carry her burden, she used a beast.

This donkey was piled high with daisies, violets, and chrysanthemums, brought in from the fields to Nemi, near Rome. With such plentiful bounty, vendors often gave faded flowers to children to beat on the pavement and watch the petals fly.

Those who weren’t selling got into the spirit by wearing provincial costumes to celebrate products from the many district vineyards, displayed in the Basilica of Constantine. That’s a serious middle hair part.

Once the Grape Festival got underway, 25 floats made their way down the streets. This one depicts Bacchus (Dionysus), the ancient Roman and Greek wine god. As the oxen moved, the tongue revolved as if lapping wine. Ew.

I Was Espresso When Espresso Wasn’t Cool

Granted, the fellow on the left looks 57, but apparently, he and his buddy were both Roman university students, sipping caffe espressos made from Brazilian beans between classes way back in 1937. Each student’s neckerchief bears colors denoting his course. Would you get a new neckerchief each time you changed majors?

Cosplay 1961

Not sure what’s going on here, whether it’s a Greek college costume party or Halloween or what. I do know that stuffed animals that size are on the pricey end, and usually don’t belong to adults, unless it was won as a carnival prize on a date.

I’m all for fun and frolic and costume parties, but only for an evening. I deplore the current subculture of cosplay. Detest anime. Loathe manga. I don’t understand the lengths to which grown people play pretend and the time and money and travel spent to escape their real lives. I understand being a child at heart, enthusiasm, awe, seeing the world with fresh eyes. But playing dress-up with other grown-ups as a lifestyle? Perhaps I’m a crotchety old fart, but I don’t get it.

When He Gets You No-Neck Strain Center Seats To Lion King

1949 Cactus, Shirley and Dale at the Varsity Theater

Men Who Don’t Fit Through Doorways

Look, I’m fine with barrel-chested men. No worries. But this is ridiculous. These heads don’t match these bodies, and these bodies don’t exist in nature.

Just look at the man above! He’s at least three feet wide. It’s like hugging a refrigerator.

The ads aren’t even targeted toward large men. They just presume all men are this wide? Perhaps if an elephant stepped on them, they would be.

One would think that folks would be rationing material in The Great Depression, not overusing it.

This last guy is ridiculous. He’s half farmer, half mobster, and 100% frightening. What do you feed him? Does he eat from a trough?

And just in case you’re not sure what kind of chest you have, here’s a chart.

Well, This Is Awkward

Men’s clothing ads of the 1930s were curious. I certainly don’t get it. Is this normal for a fully-dressed man to be supervising the sporting goods usage of a barely-dressed man? I don’t care for this tone.

Nor do I care for the tone of this one. Young men, arm in arm, marching in their underwear. It’s getting weirder. And I can’t even with their tagline.

This seems to be more normal, just some men in office shirts checking out another man’s clubs. And while it’s odd to buy clothes that “flatter your summer tan,” it doesn’t really get strange until you see the belted briefs. What is that about? Do you have those?

Let’s end on a less naked note, with this 1932 Arrow ad for men who get fooled by shirts. And no, that’s not our president; it’s a fellow who evidently goes fishing in a nice button-down, tie, and khakis. You know, like village fishermen. Is he petting that fish? Is he stroking its fins? Is that the proper protocol? No wonder shirts have been fooling him.