Category: Funny

Get A Little Closer (Don’t Be Shy)

There are times in life when we just have to get up in each other’s personal space. Say, for matching beards.

’61 Round-Up

Or making sure that a hairdo isn’t a hairdon’t.

Ouija board, Ouija board… Look deep into my eyes…

Try to retain a buffer so you’re not actually singing cheek to cheek.

Way Out West

And if you don’t have the courage to get up close, just tell your horse to pass on the news.

Way Out West book

So Much Meat Pulls The Surface

I hear Shiraz pairs nicely with Peru system.

Not a fan? What about old adopted mother’s veggies? So fresh!

And don’t forget to customize the heat level to your desired God Fire.

Still too spicy? Ask for a pat of adult butter to even out the heat.

If you’re vegan, you’ll have to skip the butter. No dairy for you. But remember:

Pretty wife eat cheese. Pretty wife eats meat. Pretty wife eats flesh salad.

Lost in Asian translation? Retreat and think of cakes.

Not a fan of cakes? Try a small square of caramel.

Do you eat? Coron to you! Bon Appétit!

Those Bangs Tho

Va Va Voom by Chang

While I admit that Sophia Loren is a beautiful woman (no question), this image doesn’t sit well with me. It’s not just the fact that the hair is reminiscent of Klute hair (go Google that on your own time); it’s that this photo is credited as being taken in 1960. It doesn’t seem consistent with the moment. Think of Marilyn Monroe in 1960. This was not the style. Plus, it’s ew.

The classic Sophia has voluminous dark hair and thick eyeliner and a bosom for days.

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If she’s supposed to be dressed in day-laboring peasant clothes, we’re not buying it. Her stare is regal, almost confrontational. Her skin is supple and dark, her posture solid.

Early blond bleach job Sophia is lovely (and ever-voluptuous), but nearly unrecognizable.

Getty Images

The internet is full of Sophia images with her arms raised, hairy armpits on display. Is that the Italian way? I’ll spare you those, as well as the classic Jayne Mansfield side-eye.

So instead, I’ll leave you with this playful one.

giphy.com

And this chiropractor’s nightmare.

Or fantasy, depending on your perspective.

giphy.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Take These Jobs And Shove Them

Look At America

I’ve my thrown my back out several times both sneezing and stepping off curbs the wrong way. I am not cut out to drive logs on the Swift Diamond River in New Hampshire, like these fellows. I am weak.

Nor can I tug wagons o’ tires.

Phillip Gendreau

When rubber came to Ohio in 1910, Akron became a boom city, and guys like this were able to breathe rubber fumes all day.

Here’s another job I can’t do due to my fear of heights. Is he washing windows? Is he scaling the sides of buildings to fulfill a male superhero fantasy? All I know is that was 40 years ago, and he ain’t doing it now.

1979 Cactus

And the last job I wouldn’t want: naked bakery boy.

Nat Geo 12/49

It’s not because I’m uppity or that I don’t love gluten, because I loves me some glutenny gluten. But I would need an apron. And some sort of hair net so as not to get stray hairs into the sourdough.

When Your BFF Is Packing Two Coors Banquets In Her Hair For Later

Blackcat 1970

Coors Banquet beer was black market back in the day, only distributed within some 13 western U.S. states. Per firstwefeast.com, in the 1970’s:

Coors claimed that not only could they not make enough beer, but that their unpasteurized brew demanded being distributed exclusively via refrigerated trucks, lest it “spoil.” Thus, a mystique was built, and soon east coast folks were smuggling cases upon cases of the beer back home after a visit to the Rockies. In 1977, Coors even took out an ad in the Washington Post saying “Please don’t buy our beer,” insisting any in the area was clearly black market, mishandled, and prone to becoming “watery” (you can laugh now). This insane thirst for Coors hit its apex with the release of Smokey and the Bandit, the Burt Reynolds action-comedy about a legendary trucker willing to risk life, limb, and the law to illegally smuggle crates of Coors back to Georgia.

This ’79 ad for said beer plays like an ad for America itself. Coors Banquet is “born where eagles speak, and the sunrise slides from peak to peak.” Clearly, it’s “no downstream beer.”