So Much Meat Pulls The Surface

I hear Shiraz pairs nicely with Peru system.

Not a fan? What about old adopted mother’s veggies? So fresh!

And don’t forget to customize the heat level to your desired God Fire.

Still too spicy? Ask for a pat of adult butter to even out the heat.

If you’re vegan, you’ll have to skip the butter. No dairy for you. But remember:

Pretty wife eat cheese. Pretty wife eats meat. Pretty wife eats flesh salad.

Lost in Asian translation? Retreat and think of cakes.

Not a fan of cakes? Try a small square of caramel.

Do you eat? Coron to you! Bon Appétit!

Isn’t It Ironic? Yeah, I Really Do Think.

Dear Alanis Morissette,

This is an example of irony. According to the Oxford English Dictionary “irony” is “a figure of speech in which the intended meaning is the opposite of that expressed by the words used.” Granted, the above example does not contain a figure of speech, but it contains visual irony. Out of all the spelling words, only “illiterate” was spelled correctly. And illiterate means “unable to read or write.” Get it?

Your song, “Ironic,” now notorious for not having one actual example of irony, is in itself ironic. I’m fairly certain they teach word meanings in Canada, but maybe you weren’t paying attention.

  • Insects in wine? Not ironic.
  • Posthumous pardons? Ask their families. Not ironic.
  • Rain on your wedding day? Not ironic. Does the humidity cause Diana Ross “Love Hangover” hair? Perhaps. But it’s still not ironic.

So why am I hassling you 18 years later? You’ve gotten enough flak, right? I don’t want to give you any more flack (that spelling actually means “publicity,” which I’m doing right now, so that’s kind of ironic, huh?) I may be tardy to the party but I finally saw this parody of your 1995 ditty.

The video is similar, yet we are spared the braying donkiness of your singing style, as well as your epileptic seizures. I hear you have that under control now.

I think it’s great that you got to have your video played back in the day on MTV before it stopped playing videos. That’s a nice thing to have notched in your lipstick case. But they also used to play ZZ Top videos. The only member of that band without a beard is Frank Beard. That’s ironic.

zz top

And get this: the Segway tycoon died riding his Segway. Ironic.

Both Charlie Chaplin and Dolly Parton entered lookalike contests for themselves and did not win. Ironic.

Barry Manilow did not write his hit song, “I Write The Songs.” Ironic.

For more of these, check out:

So now I hope you’ve grasped the true meaning of the word.

You, you, you oughta know.