Here it is not even autumn, and he’s already got the decorations on the lawn.
Next, he starts picking out gifts for the grandkids, like this Swedish key harp.
And he can’t put the gifts under the tree unless the tree is dressed to the hilt. I hope it doesn’t block their plasma TV.
Before you know it, he’ll be giving out rides in “one-horse” open sleighs.
Except that’s not a horse! That’s an actual reindeer!
And look! You could even get a FREE copy of the Declaration sent to you! No handling fee; just postage.
Sorry, Yaya. No fist bumps today. Hope that black isn’t absorbing all the heat from the sun. She looks happy enough. Even her left eyebrow is smiling. Somehow.
And you would, too, if you lived in Santorini, the croissant-shaped Greek island. Why, just look at it!
Scottsboro, Alabama, 1936 by the great Carl Mydans for Farm Security Administration
Back in 1987, Cindy Crawford may have been bronzed (and possibly narcoleptic), but she lacked the use her right eye.
Once her tan had faded, only her left eye was functional, and seems to have contracted a nasty case of pink eye, to boot.
Linda was the next victim of vision impairment, which may explain her shoddy yellow eye shadow application.
Christie’s left eye is hidden beneath this fetching safety pin hat. It might prove helpful if she needs emergency hemming.
Iman was only partially impaired by her curly strands. However, her poor lobes were taxed with cutlery. Nothing like the feel of prongs scraping against your collarbone to remind you that forks are the enemy of supermodels.
Nowadays, it’s important to have both eyes free of impediments so that you can properly text while driving. Eyes work better in tandem. Just ask this guy!
This kid’s got the right idea, and I don’t mean the pantaloons. Two is better than one.
Bette Davis didn’t turn down two scoops, either.
Robert Plant went for three wee scoops. Perhaps they were accessories for his blouse.
Forrest Gump didn’t limit himself to one scoop because he knew it helps a body heal.
Marilyn played a balancing game. This can only lead to tragedy and mayhem.
Wait. I spoke too soon. THIS can only lead to tragedy and mayhem.
As I write to you on this sweltering, oppressive August day, I find two words most lovely: frigid air. Indeed, frigid air has been welcome since Frigidaire was founded 103 years ago.
God bless frigid air, the choice of the majority. Such a democratic institution, nestled in its own kitchen nook.
But they didn’t have the monopoly on fridges. Behold the GE model, where all four food groups fit just swell–even wine, which was illegal to sell.
No drain-pipe? Sign me up! Drain pipes are the worst! But you know what’s the best? Running water. You should try it. It’s a “boon to health and pleasure.” You better believe it, sister. Simply turn the handle and PRESTO, legit water appears!
And now that you’ve got water at your whim, how about covering up that hideous radiator?
Me, I’m from Texas, so I’ve never seen a radiator in the wild. Seems like a hazard to me. I’d prefer real wood furniture instead of metal. You know–the kind that could use a nice coating of O-Cedar Polish.
Goodness, she looks happy to be polishing! And that smart bob prevents hair from falling into her eyes. I bet she can see her own reflection.
But what’s this? By the time she gets to the banister, she appears more reticent, withdrawn. Her wrist aches from rubbing.
After all that polishing, Pearl might need a coffee break. But it’s 3pm! It would keep her up all night. Nope, not with Kaffee Hag, which sounds like Cliff Clavin is pronouncing it. Kaffee Hag lets all you hags sleep.
I think I’d rather be a “Pepper, too” than a Kaffee Hag, truth be told. But what a bargain, it is!
Now that you’ve got the inside of your domestic arena addressed, what about the outside? Your coffee may be unleaded, but your roof tiles shouldn’t be.
Leadclad was clad with lead. Only the finest toxins available with exotic Spanish appeal. Ole! Now all that’s left to do is trim that grass. And that’s not Pearl’s domain; that’s Walter’s. So while Pearl massages her aching wrists, Walter needs only a twist of his.
Well, now you’re set, folks! You’re up to date and ready for company!
If it keeps your rugs young, maybe it keeps your skin young as well. Perhaps each time I exfoliate, I’m positively agitating my stubborn wrinkles.
I’m pretty sure this is also the secret of a long and happy marriage.
Have you ever experienced any of these synonyms for agitation with your partner?
stirring, whisking, beating, churning, shaking, turbulence
tossing, blending, whipping, folding, rolling, jolting
Perhaps you should implement some new verbs into your marriage tonight!
I love how early ads doled out the facts. The US has 13 phones for every 100 people, and Europe has less than three. You better recognize that Bell Telephone worked its hiney off to get that done. You’re welcome, America.
Mad props to Bell.
Per http://www.elon.edu,
While Italian innovator Antonio Meucci is credited with inventing the first basic phone in 1849, and Frenchman Charles Bourseul devised a phone in 1854, Alexander Graham Bell won the first U.S. patent for the device in 1876.
And while this Bell ad states there were 34 million phones in the world in the summer of 1936, today there are 2.71 billion smartphones in use. Per http://www.bankmycell.com, 35% of the world has a smartphone. And most of us are addicted. Perhaps you are even reading this on your phone now, although I wouldn’t recommend it. You need a big monitor to enjoy these pics. 😉
Last night, my husband and I discussed the large long distance phone bills we used to accrue in the 90s, how I would call my mom collect at Christmas once I arrived at my grandparent’s house, finding a pay phone in the mall to call home, or a phone booth outside, complete with yellow pages (which some folks ripped out). All things our son will never understand. And while we still have a landline, we don’t have a rotary, so he won’t experience that either. And frankly, most of his communication is texting, so rare is the time he even speaks on a phone at all. Remember when we looked forward to hearing each other’s voices?
I Don't Get It 