Category: Funny

What Being Married To Ida Lupino Feels Like

photo by Sid Avery

Is it me or does actor Howard Duff look mortified by his wife, Ida Lupino? It can’t be her florist skills; they’re right on point. At this point, in 1957, they’d already been married 6 years. Ida was only 39, but the harsh make-up makes her look much older. Though they separated in 1966, they didn’t actually divorce until 1984.

But perhaps Howard’s raised brows have nothing to do with Ida. He had, in fact, been listed in Red Channels as a communist subversive in 1950, so maybe he was still miffed about that.

In her own right, Ida was quite the woman, being the only one to direct episodes of the original The Twilight Zone series, as well as the only director to have starred in the show. Thinking many roles to be “beneath her,” the British Lupino spent much of her years at Warner Bros being suspended. But Ida was strong-willed. She wrote stories and composed music, including “Aladdin’s Suite,” which was performed by the Los Angeles Philharmonic Orchestra in 1937, two years after she’d written it while being on bedrest due to polio.

Here she is in one of your typical 1940’s “tug my own hair” pics.

Fresh as a daisy, happy as a lark. And yet by the next decade, cakey white pancake powder gave her an eerie vampire complexion.

Vampire or not, the issue seems to simply have been with Howard’s brows, perpetually in a forlorn state. Take note.

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Even SMOKING, his brows fought gravity. Was that their natural state? Why, I’d wager he even SNEEZED with raised brows!

http://www.otrr.org

He seems perplexed as to why they both got roles on the 60s Batman series as well. While his left eye seems calm, the right is horrified!

Even in his later years, he was still vexed. What to do, what to do?

commons.wikimedia.org

Solutions For Bad Hair Days

We’ve all had them. Even those currently without hair remember them. After an hour-long struggle with product and appliance, you give up and shove a hat atop your noggin. But there are other options. Like lace helmets.

Oh, sure, they’re hard to come by, although I contend that you could sew two of Granny’s doilies together for a similar effect. These three Netherlands maidens seem satisfied with theirs, which are actually thin-beaten silver or gold covered with lace. Sounds hot if under direct sunlight. And wouldn’t jealous others come snatch them off your head to sell on the black market? Perhaps lace helmets aren’t the best option.

Donald McLeish

Moving on.

Granted, this next low-ventilation choice doesn’t look particularly comfortable, but if you were a woman in Kabul, Afghanistan in 1968, you might have donned a traditional chadri like this woman. Birdcage optional. Nobody would ever know it was you, much less what your hair looked like.

Thomas J. Abercrombie

Want to creep out all your friends and neighbors? It’s better than showing them split ends or uneven bangs, my friends. Take a page out of these Achill Island, Ireland residents’ handbook and stick a broom on your face.

A.W. Cutler

Descendants of the “Straw Boys” who terrorized Ireland in days of yore, these two shared their fearsome disguises for the photographer. Straw is a neutral, so it goes with everything. But mercy, it is itchy!

Perhaps the best idea (and the most colorful) for those of the XX persuasion (although I can absolutely see Nick Cannon trading in his Sikh turban for this) are these Ivory Coast headwraps–and perhaps the sunglasses as well. They certainly seem happy.

Michael and Aubine Kirtley

 

Things That Don’t Pair Well With Wine: That Outfit

Long Island winery from “An American Moment” by Harris

Why am I so salty on the sabbath? Is it the 100+ heat with no chance of a cloud until mid-October? Perhaps I just can’t process why this vintner chose to put that ensemble together.

“Okay, Carol, focus, focus! The magazine is coming today, and they’re going to take some pictures, so I’ll just build my outfit, starting with shoes. These sandals are so smart! What goes with this coral shade? Ah, yes, my old artist’s smock–the one with sleeves that go past my weenus. What’s next? The plaid navy skirt that makes me look bulky despite my thin frame. Marvelous. Done.”

To be fair, salmon and navy are on trend this season. Just not in the same proportion.

http://sperr.us

In fact, my last dress purchased was a navy/salmon print. That salmon is so current. Or is it against current? 😉

Who knew you could even get SHOES in said colors?

http://www.freetrainer3-0.org.uk

Just perfect for the petite jogging woman who needs to add three inches of height as she pounds pavement!

Steven Spielberg Needs A Stylist

thisisnotporn.net

Seated are Steven Spielberg and the young Christian Bale on the set of 1987’s Empire of the Sun.

What do you think? I prefer his Magnum P.I. look on an Indiana Jones set with buddy, George Lucas.

http://collider.com

Back To Cool

The evil big-box stores have already stocked their aisles with back-to-school items, an affront to all American children, trying their durndest to enjoy the apex of global warming seasons. As a parent of a teen, my days of purchasing Elmer’s Glue and huffing markers and dull scissors are over, but we’re still expected to pony up for supplies. Evidently, $7000 in property taxes on a mighty modest home does not cover Kleenex.

To all this mid-summer school rigmarole, I at least ask the makers of supplies to look backwards for inspiration, and not to the future. This ad makes education positively dreamy.

http://www.metv.com

Let’s not forget that Donny nor David would give you the time of day if you weren’t svelte. Lace stockings look gauche on thicc (yes, thicc) thighs.

http://www.metv.com

But what if you’re too thin, and you need to bulk up? Simply sport a Hugh Downs jacket!

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Hugh Downs was a once-relevant broadcaster who is still kicking it at 97. Look how attractive his family is, wearing bulky red-orange. And who’s the lady fondling his son’s hood? Go back to Paris, Simone.

Maybe you’re too young and hip to wear anything from an old fuddy-duddy and his family. Maybe you’re avant garde like Pat Boone, who lives life on the cutting edge.

Dressing like Pat Boone ensures that girls think you are a liberal arts professor. And maybe they’re into that kind of thing. Remember, remember, you’re mine… Wow, he really did wear white shoes.

Speaking of white, perhaps you missed my earlier post on putting more sugar in Lisa. Here’s another misguided Sugar Information ad, advising moms to put more sugar in their teens, so they can become slovenly-dressed sugar-swinging freaks–just in time for back to school!

Turtles don’t need seat belts, y’all. They just don’t.

Home On The Range

I’m not a desert person. The closest thing to a desert that I enjoy is “Desert Moon” by Dennis DeYoung. But for many folks, the old west (and the new west) holds a certain fascination. My youngest aunt would love nothing more than to climb up hot, dirty rocks in oppressive heat, surrounded by cacti and reptiles that want to kill her, till the cows come home.

No, gracias.

All images from “Way Out West” by the Sterns

I know I’m known for not getting it, but I can see the allure of this image: the mesmerizing fire, Lassie shaking hands with Old Shep, some Hawaiian guy wearing an aloha shirt (why?), the chuck wagon, Alice from “The Brady Brunch” available to stoke the fire. But sitting in dirt? Pass.

Who wants to sit in dirt? Do you really think this family is enjoying sitting in dirt in this God-awful stretch of Tucson? The six-pack of soda is already hot. The ants are halfway up the watermelon rinds. Little Suzy has a rattler not five inches from her sandals. Are there no picnic benches in Tucson? I can already feel my underwire getting sweaty. This looks miserable.

Modern-day tourist sites use this image to try to lure you into the Sonoran Desert.

Tucson Today
http://www.toursales.com

While I agree that rainbows are pretty, we have them here twice a year when it rains. I would think treehuggers would avoid this area at all costs. Oak trees, cottonwoods, magnolias–all huggable. Cacti not so much. Mesquite and scrub brush? Not so fun. But again–to each her own. I contend I would definitely enjoy the LOW HUMIDITY.

Finally–the sun has set! Sunrise, sunburn, sunset repeat. Fortunately, this cowgirl gets to sit on a blanket to enjoy her Coke under the full moon. And maybe the elder cowhand can scooch so she can have some alone time with young Hank. Can’t you just see them ripping their scarves off and tossing them into the arid night?

Maybe all this makes you want to saddle up a bronc or throw your chaps and spurs on, but all it makes me want to do is stop by the local 7-11 to take advantage of their 2 for $3 Gatorade special. It’s all so dehydrating.

giphy.com

But Does It Gyrate?

You KNOW it gyrates. It’s Gyrafoam.

Today, we take up where yesterday we left off. Smack dab in the middle of 1925, when women had no social media and were slaves to their chores.

But they had options! Another washing machine was this one from Laun-Dry-Ette.

Ain’t nobody got time for bluing, especially when there are floors to clean with Fuller Brushes.

And when you’re done brushing, you can sit on your can like Iris. Here she is, hitting up her best friend on the line, but she does it in style. The ad may be for Sellers Kitchen Cabinets, but all I see is a fab-u-lous crescent moon hat and a bold lip.

Oreos were introduced in 1912, but evidently some folks chose to put health biscuits in their pie holes instead. I’m sure they were a HIT at a kid’s birthday party.

Tommy seems to be trying to drown out the voices in his head, or the loud protests against health biscuits. Please, God, not health biscuits!

Somebody get Iris on the phone. It’s an emergency!

pinterest

 

 

I Know What You Did In My Bathroom, Pearl

Good Housekeeping, March 1925

In the same magazine, you’ll find lovely Dix-Make dresses. No one makes dresses like Dix-Make.

If you’re not in the market for a flat-chested flapper dress, perchance you might like golden circlets of tropical goodness.

And try it on pizza, too!

Sick of cold water? Want hot water every place you can think of? Ask for Descriptive Folder #10.

And how about this? For the cost of my current water bill plus my cable bill, I could have bought an entire house in 1925.

But, Kerbey, you say–I’m not a baller; I’m too poor to pay attention. What could I afford? And to you, I say, how ’bout some clothesline?

It’s a cord to hang your sheets. It’s great until it rains, and then you have to hang it out to dry all over again. I remember because I had to do it in the 80s when all our neighbors had dryers, and my chore was to hang clothes on the line like I was a freaking pioneer. Thankfully, it only rains twice a year in Texas, so it’s not an issue now.

Come back on Hump Day for more fun ads from 1925!

Literal Overhead Bin

Turn-of-the-century immigrants at Ellis Island: The 20th Century

She seems so nonchalant about all that pressure on her noggin. For me, it wouldn’t just be the pain, but the balancing issue.

This clever but crazy man constantly shifts his balance to support four carry-on bags.

Again, it looks awful painful. Yet, women all over the world spare their biceps and let their heads do all the hard lifting.

http://www.wijzijnvoetbal.nl

Clothes, water, toiletries–these things make sense to transport on your head, if you’re able. But what I don’t get is this one:

Fat chance getting that goat to stay still.