There’s Valerie White, holding it up for all the free world to see.
And Vanna looks HORRified.
Can you blame her? Sponges are nasty, no matter what kind.
A scrub brush with fibers works fine.
Back in 1987, Cindy Crawford may have been bronzed (and possibly narcoleptic), but she lacked the use her right eye.
Once her tan had faded, only her left eye was functional, and seems to have contracted a nasty case of pink eye, to boot.
Linda was the next victim of vision impairment, which may explain her shoddy yellow eye shadow application.
Christie’s left eye is hidden beneath this fetching safety pin hat. It might prove helpful if she needs emergency hemming.
Iman was only partially impaired by her curly strands. However, her poor lobes were taxed with cutlery. Nothing like the feel of prongs scraping against your collarbone to remind you that forks are the enemy of supermodels.
Nowadays, it’s important to have both eyes free of impediments so that you can properly text while driving. Eyes work better in tandem. Just ask this guy!
This kid’s got the right idea, and I don’t mean the pantaloons. Two is better than one.
Bette Davis didn’t turn down two scoops, either.
Robert Plant went for three wee scoops. Perhaps they were accessories for his blouse.
Forrest Gump didn’t limit himself to one scoop because he knew it helps a body heal.
Marilyn played a balancing game. This can only lead to tragedy and mayhem.
Wait. I spoke too soon. THIS can only lead to tragedy and mayhem.
Per the late Dominick Dunne (who took this picture), Natalie Wood (with whom he often supped at Hollywood parties) had the habit of reapplying lipstick after dinner, using the blade of her knife as a mirror.
By the fall of 1987, I was well-acquainted with the new supermodel faces across my fashion magazines: Cindy, Linda, Naomi, etc. As I had curly hair at the time, I could relate to Jill Goodacre, whose mane poured down her neck with all of the high-volume tousles that a headbanging 1987 demanded. I think you will understand why Harry Connick Jr married her.
And this next one, well … I can’t even explain it. And that’s why this blog is called “I Don’t Get It.”
Nowadays, the 55-year-old has her straightened (as most of us do) for a more polished, less unruly look. She and Harry have been married for 25 years.
During the Roaring 20’s, no ball player beat the popularity of George Herman Ruth, Jr. Born in 1895 in the Pigtown section of Baltimore, Maryland, he reached his greatest fame as a slugging outfielder for the New York Yankees. That’s Babe in the boater hat.
And in case you need a refresher course on hats from 100 years ago, here ye be:
Note that there is a porkpie hat, and this post is about Babe (also a pig’s name), who was born in the Pigtown section. And also he was a bit of a porker.
Women of all ages adored him as well.
Especially those in flapper hats.
He had many nicknames during his all-star years:
And he never forgot his fans.
While I admit that Sophia Loren is a beautiful woman (no question), this image doesn’t sit well with me. It’s not just the fact that the hair is reminiscent of Klute hair (go Google that on your own time); it’s that this photo is credited as being taken in 1960. It doesn’t seem consistent with the moment. Think of Marilyn Monroe in 1960. This was not the style. Plus, it’s ew.
The classic Sophia has voluminous dark hair and thick eyeliner and a bosom for days.
If she’s supposed to be dressed in day-laboring peasant clothes, we’re not buying it. Her stare is regal, almost confrontational. Her skin is supple and dark, her posture solid.
Early blond bleach job Sophia is lovely (and ever-voluptuous), but nearly unrecognizable.
The internet is full of Sophia images with her arms raised, hairy armpits on display. Is that the Italian way? I’ll spare you those, as well as the classic Jayne Mansfield side-eye.
So instead, I’ll leave you with this playful one.
And this chiropractor’s nightmare.
Or fantasy, depending on your perspective.
We’ve all seen the celebs walk the red carpet, then pause to give this look.
Granted, they weren’t wearing a calico flour sack like Nemukwunga the Umbakumban. Aborigines living in Groote Eylandt used the sacks as loincloths when modesty was forced upon them. But who could blame them? Flour sacks used to come in all kinds of fun prints!
During the lean years of the Depression, folks would re-purpose the sacks into dresses, shirts, and tea towels.
Of course, some people wear sacks better than others.
And how about those shoes, ladies? I assume the men don’t see them.
With spring upon us in just three weeks, I can’t help but start preparing my poolside wardrobe. Sure, you may have a fab, supportive one-piece and stilettos, but do you have a complimentary bonnet–the kind that reminds you of the underside of a mushroom cap? Jeanne Crain sure did in 1944. Sun protection for her fabulous face!
Speaking of sun protection, actress Betty Hutton protects her mug with a salmon-colored parasol that coordinates perfectly with her swimsuit.
Is it over-the-top, dramatic, and extra? Yes. I mean, there’s a tiger. Folks complain about shark attacks at the beach, but it’s tigers that mostly do the mauling. And is it me, or does Betty look a little…I won’t say trans per se, but maybe just a bit masculine? It’s probably just the lighting of her shoulder, right?
No need to be extra if you’re Norma Jean herself. It doesn’t take high drama for her to get noticed. But well before she bleached her hair into the famous Monroe coif, she donned a bikini nearly as pale as her skin. Talk about alabaster. Okay, so maybe she’s not being extra at all (just sitting on a diving board at the community pool), but she was EXTRA white!
Perhaps you weren’t born pale ale like Whitey McWhitey. Perhaps you were gifted with tan skin like Yvonne DeCarlo. What can you do to set yourself apart from the mainstream? Find yourself a set of pier posts dangerously high above the surf, climb atop them and perch yourself, as though you can’t feel the sharp wood etching itself into your bum. Folks might think you’re mad, but what a shot for Instagram. Just don’t plummet to your death.
Still need something more eye-catching in your swimwear? How about ruched gold lame? It slims protrusive abdomens and instantly makes any woman look 20 years older. Case in point: here we have Carolyn Jones (aka Morticia Addams) posed aboard a ship railing, looking much older than her 31 years. It brings to mind an image of one’s randy aunt, having escaped her Carnival cruise cabin, full of gin, and ready to mingle.
Not extra enough? Look no further than drama queen Kim K herself, the queen of incessant yet unnecessary self-promotion, trying too hard to seem casual, while her swimsuit struggles to contain her underboob. Notice me! Validate me! Pay attention!
Ladies use to LOSE THEIR MINDS over Frank Sinatra back when Old Blue Eyes was a lithe young crooner. Swooning bobby-soxers did not concern themselves with invading his personal space, as you can see in this 1943 image. I can’t imagine interrupting a celebrity to ask for an autograph or a selfie; I find that incredibly tacky and self-serving. So the thought of planting a kiss on The Chairman of the Board, basically attacking his face, disturbs me.
Let him come to you.
What kind of weirdo takes his wife and 11-year-old daughter into a burnt-out Victorian mansion to stand in windows that have no panes? Gary Cooper, that’s who. Or as LIFE magazine referred to him, “the embodiment of the solid, easy-going, tough-fibered American male.”
It seems he and his family were on vacation in Aspen, Colorado when they spotted said house corpse and decided to enter the spooky remains. These days, of course, that would be trespassing. There would be bars in those windows, preventing any would-be suicidal maniac from perch-pouncing. Or the place simply would have been razed to the ground.
But not for the Coopers, clad in goggles and free of smiles. Not by a longshot.
Here he sits with wife Rocky and daughter Maria in a room with cinder covering the floor. Watch your step!
Twelve years later, the family would take their final vacation to Sun Valley, due to an aggressive form of prostate cancer that had spread throughout his body. On April 17, 1961, Cooper watched pal James Stewart accept (on his behalf) an honorary award for lifetime achievement at the Academy Awards. The emotional Stewart said, “Coop, I want you to know I’ll get it to you right away. With it, goes all the friendship and affection and the admiration and deep respect of all of us. We’re very, very proud of you, Coop.”
In his last public statement on May 4, Cooper said, “I know that what is happening is God’s will. I am not afraid of the future.” He passed on May 13, 1961, six days after his sixtieth birthday.