Back To Cool

The evil big-box stores have already stocked their aisles with back-to-school items, an affront to all American children, trying their durndest to enjoy the apex of global warming seasons. As a parent of a teen, my days of purchasing Elmer’s Glue and huffing markers and dull scissors are over, but we’re still expected to pony up for supplies. Evidently, $7000 in property taxes on a mighty modest home does not cover Kleenex.

To all this mid-summer school rigmarole, I at least ask the makers of supplies to look backwards for inspiration, and not to the future. This ad makes education positively dreamy.

http://www.metv.com

Let’s not forget that Donny nor David would give you the time of day if you weren’t svelte. Lace stockings look gauche on thicc (yes, thicc) thighs.

http://www.metv.com

But what if you’re too thin, and you need to bulk up? Simply sport a Hugh Downs jacket!

Pinterest

Hugh Downs was a once-relevant broadcaster who is still kicking it at 97. Look how attractive his family is, wearing bulky red-orange. And who’s the lady fondling his son’s hood? Go back to Paris, Simone.

Maybe you’re too young and hip to wear anything from an old fuddy-duddy and his family. Maybe you’re avant garde like Pat Boone, who lives life on the cutting edge.

Dressing like Pat Boone ensures that girls think you are a liberal arts professor. And maybe they’re into that kind of thing. Remember, remember, you’re mine… Wow, he really did wear white shoes.

Speaking of white, perhaps you missed my earlier post on putting more sugar in Lisa. Here’s another misguided Sugar Information ad, advising moms to put more sugar in their teens, so they can become slovenly-dressed sugar-swinging freaks–just in time for back to school!

Turtles don’t need seat belts, y’all. They just don’t.

Home On The Range

I’m not a desert person. The closest thing to a desert that I enjoy is “Desert Moon” by Dennis DeYoung. But for many folks, the old west (and the new west) holds a certain fascination. My youngest aunt would love nothing more than to climb up hot, dirty rocks in oppressive heat, surrounded by cacti and reptiles that want to kill her, till the cows come home.

No, gracias.

All images from “Way Out West” by the Sterns

I know I’m known for not getting it, but I can see the allure of this image: the mesmerizing fire, Lassie shaking hands with Old Shep, some Hawaiian guy wearing an aloha shirt (why?), the chuck wagon, Alice from “The Brady Brunch” available to stoke the fire. But sitting in dirt? Pass.

Who wants to sit in dirt? Do you really think this family is enjoying sitting in dirt in this God-awful stretch of Tucson? The six-pack of soda is already hot. The ants are halfway up the watermelon rinds. Little Suzy has a rattler not five inches from her sandals. Are there no picnic benches in Tucson? I can already feel my underwire getting sweaty. This looks miserable.

Modern-day tourist sites use this image to try to lure you into the Sonoran Desert.

Tucson Today
http://www.toursales.com

While I agree that rainbows are pretty, we have them here twice a year when it rains. I would think treehuggers would avoid this area at all costs. Oak trees, cottonwoods, magnolias–all huggable. Cacti not so much. Mesquite and scrub brush? Not so fun. But again–to each her own. I contend I would definitely enjoy the LOW HUMIDITY.

Finally–the sun has set! Sunrise, sunburn, sunset repeat. Fortunately, this cowgirl gets to sit on a blanket to enjoy her Coke under the full moon. And maybe the elder cowhand can scooch so she can have some alone time with young Hank. Can’t you just see them ripping their scarves off and tossing them into the arid night?

Maybe all this makes you want to saddle up a bronc or throw your chaps and spurs on, but all it makes me want to do is stop by the local 7-11 to take advantage of their 2 for $3 Gatorade special. It’s all so dehydrating.

giphy.com

But Does It Gyrate?

You KNOW it gyrates. It’s Gyrafoam.

Today, we take up where yesterday we left off. Smack dab in the middle of 1925, when women had no social media and were slaves to their chores.

But they had options! Another washing machine was this one from Laun-Dry-Ette.

Ain’t nobody got time for bluing, especially when there are floors to clean with Fuller Brushes.

And when you’re done brushing, you can sit on your can like Iris. Here she is, hitting up her best friend on the line, but she does it in style. The ad may be for Sellers Kitchen Cabinets, but all I see is a fab-u-lous crescent moon hat and a bold lip.

Oreos were introduced in 1912, but evidently some folks chose to put health biscuits in their pie holes instead. I’m sure they were a HIT at a kid’s birthday party.

Tommy seems to be trying to drown out the voices in his head, or the loud protests against health biscuits. Please, God, not health biscuits!

Somebody get Iris on the phone. It’s an emergency!

pinterest

 

 

I Know What You Did In My Bathroom, Pearl

Good Housekeeping, March 1925

In the same magazine, you’ll find lovely Dix-Make dresses. No one makes dresses like Dix-Make.

If you’re not in the market for a flat-chested flapper dress, perchance you might like golden circlets of tropical goodness.

And try it on pizza, too!

Sick of cold water? Want hot water every place you can think of? Ask for Descriptive Folder #10.

And how about this? For the cost of my current water bill plus my cable bill, I could have bought an entire house in 1925.

But, Kerbey, you say–I’m not a baller; I’m too poor to pay attention. What could I afford? And to you, I say, how ’bout some clothesline?

It’s a cord to hang your sheets. It’s great until it rains, and then you have to hang it out to dry all over again. I remember because I had to do it in the 80s when all our neighbors had dryers, and my chore was to hang clothes on the line like I was a freaking pioneer. Thankfully, it only rains twice a year in Texas, so it’s not an issue now.

Come back on Hump Day for more fun ads from 1925!

Antler Chandelier

Pineland Farm, South Carolina from Garden & Gun, Nov 2014

I don’t mind wood paneling (tongue and groove) or framed pointer pups or even taxidermied crittters in lodges, but I’ve never been a fan of skulls. Not Coco-movie, Day of the Dead colorful human skulls, nor Southwest lying-in-the-desert animal skulls. So this chandelier (or perhaps it’s just rustic lighting) doesn’t float my boat.

I’d prefer something less bony, less death, more modern, like these super trendy Edison bulbs.

trendir.com

But they’ll probably look dated in 10 years.

How about a DIY project? I know mason jars are cute, but I honestly don’t even like drinking out of them in restaurants and bars that offer them. It’s supposed to be quaint and down-home, but lips just don’t feel good against jar rims–and now that cities are outlawing straws, what to do? While I admit I like the turquoise, I don’t cotton to this aesthetic. Looks like a clanky accident waiting to happen.

/www.gktgroup.com.au

What do you think of these chandeliers at Albatross in Shinjuku, Tokyo?

http://www.virtuoso.com

No amount of liquor could help heal the headache she’d get if one fell on top of her noggin. And then we’d have another skull to worry about.

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