Humor – Page 22 – I Don't Get It

Woman Trapped In Display Window Since 1920

Last Call: Last-Ditch Effort To Make Your Date Attractive

When You Give Up Booze For Lent But Then Your High School Sweetheart Comes To Town And You Hope God Can Forgive You

How To Be Extra This Swimsuit Season

With spring upon us in just three weeks, I can’t help but start preparing my poolside wardrobe. Sure, you may have a fab, supportive one-piece and stilettos, but do you have a complimentary bonnet–the kind that reminds you of the underside of a mushroom cap? Jeanne Crain sure did in 1944. Sun protection for her fabulous face!

Speaking of sun protection, actress Betty Hutton protects her mug with a salmon-colored parasol that coordinates perfectly with her swimsuit.

Is it over-the-top, dramatic, and extra? Yes. I mean, there’s a tiger. Folks complain about shark attacks at the beach, but it’s tigers that mostly do the mauling. And is it me, or does Betty look a little…I won’t say trans per se, but maybe just a bit masculine? It’s probably just the lighting of her shoulder, right?

No need to be extra if you’re Norma Jean herself. It doesn’t take high drama for her to get noticed. But well before she bleached her hair into the famous Monroe coif, she donned a bikini nearly as pale as her skin. Talk about alabaster. Okay, so maybe she’s not being extra at all (just sitting on a diving board at the community pool), but she was EXTRA white!

Perhaps you weren’t born pale ale like Whitey McWhitey. Perhaps you were gifted with tan skin like Yvonne DeCarlo. What can you do to set yourself apart from the mainstream? Find yourself a set of pier posts dangerously high above the surf, climb atop them and perch yourself, as though you can’t feel the sharp wood etching itself into your bum. Folks might think you’re mad, but what a shot for Instagram. Just don’t plummet to your death.

Still need something more eye-catching in your swimwear? How about ruched gold lame? It slims protrusive abdomens and instantly makes any woman look 20 years older. Case in point: here we have Carolyn Jones (aka Morticia Addams) posed aboard a ship railing, looking much older than her 31 years. It brings to mind an image of one’s randy aunt, having escaped her Carnival cruise cabin, full of gin, and ready to mingle.

Not extra enough? Look no further than drama queen Kim K herself, the queen of incessant yet unnecessary self-promotion, trying too hard to seem casual, while her swimsuit struggles to contain her underboob. Notice me! Validate me! Pay attention!

Now You’ll Never Get Her Off Your Back

My Kingdom For An LED Bulb

The Look You Give When Grandma Puts The Whole Email In The Subject Line

Living In The Present

Keeping up with teenspeak is hard. It’s enough that technology is ever changing, and staying abreast of all the texting acronyms can be exhausting. As soon as you graduate high school, you become more and more out of touch with popular culture. Adulting comes with new responsibilities, and there is no time (or context) to stay on top of new trending terms. Even if you DO learn juvy jargon, you sound foolish saying, “Whatevs” or yelling “Yeet!” these days. But you do it anyway, if you are a parent or a teacher, to make the children uncomfortable, and to show them that you have a thin, however out of context, grasp on NOW.

But you do not. You cannot. There’s too much to stay on top of. For example, you may be aware that Adidas are the cool shoes and that only white soles are acceptable, but you (in your adultness) need arch support and crosstrainers, so you wear Dad shoes. “Dad shoes” are a thing. Google it. Teens love to dis Dad shoes. They are the chunky peanut butter to the creamy, sleek, current styles. Teens do not wear New Balance. You may even think you are cool and say, “Damn, Daniel” at shoes, but that is so 2000 and late, which in itself is an antiquated reference and makes me #tired. PS, hashtags are so over. If you don’t know what any of this means, your kids are probably grown. These are Dad shoes, and a teen would not be caught dead in them.

Parent a teen is exhausting in itself, but trying to keep up with their music is beyond demanding. Isn’t it enough that I watched Post Malone on the Elvis special last week? (Yep, he’s the rapper with the face tats.) Did y’all catch that last week? It honored the 50 year anniversary of Elvis’s ’68 Comeback Special. FIFTY YEARS. You know, the one where he wore all black leather. I watched it, staying open-minded and seeing Post pic and play in his yellow suit, which reminded me of Nudie suits of yore. And son of a gun, if he wasn’t pretty good. But it’s hard to like new music.

All this to say, I learned a new thing today (realizing that most whippersnappers already know this and are horrified that I just learned it), but I’m sharing it with those other out-of-touchers, as I would hope you would Golden Rule me and keep me abreast of the things.

Yes, I was today years old (that’s another thing they say) when I learned TL;DR (too long; didn’t read). It’s a comment people make on a long-winded post, which is IRONIC because this post is already so long! It’s the very essence of TL;DR. You should call me Post MaLONG. See how lame that sounds? That’s because old people puns are cringey. I know because my teen tells me every day. TL;DR even has its own wikipedia on Twitter.