Is anything more refreshing than a lakeside dip in seven pounds of swimsuit? It looks like a good way to get pulled under by a current. And who’s got time for a watery grave these days? Hard pass.
NY State Historical Association, Hometown USA
At the turn of the century before the turn of this last century, folks was modest. Bared female knees were considered skanktastic, although this man’s naked knees are evidently enjoying 1900, where the living is easy. He does seem a bit cold, though. Perhaps he also should have worn a button down dress.
Photographer Telfer snapped this pic in Cooperstown, NY, at the waters of Otsego Lake. Americanheritage.com says, “Most people know Coooperstown as the home of novelist James Fenimore Cooper, a beautiful resort, and as the place where baseball was supposedly invented by Abner Doubleday.” But I’ve never heard any of those things until about three minutes ago, so there you are.
While I admit that Sophia Loren is a beautiful woman (no question), this image doesn’t sit well with me. It’s not just the fact that the hair is reminiscent of Klute hair (go Google that on your own time); it’s that this photo is credited as being taken in 1960. It doesn’t seem consistent with the moment. Think of Marilyn Monroe in 1960. This was not the style. Plus, it’s ew.
The classic Sophia has voluminous dark hair and thick eyeliner and a bosom for days.
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If she’s supposed to be dressed in day-laboring peasant clothes, we’re not buying it. Her stare is regal, almost confrontational. Her skin is supple and dark, her posture solid.
Early blond bleach job Sophia is lovely (and ever-voluptuous), but nearly unrecognizable.
Getty Images
The internet is full of Sophia images with her arms raised, hairy armpits on display. Is that the Italian way? I’ll spare you those, as well as the classic Jayne Mansfield side-eye.
To me, it looks like Spring Break in the French Quarter. But then again, I’m not well-traveled and have never seen a Brisbane Parade before. This image was taken on January 26th, aka Australia Day, clearly a warm day down under. It’s a national holiday, marking the anniversary of the 1788 arrival of the First Fleet of British ships at Port Jackson, New South Wales, and the raising of Great Britain’s flag by Governor Arthur Phillip. And they celebrate with bikinis and floats, as Governor Phillip would have wanted.
With spring upon us in just three weeks, I can’t help but start preparing my poolside wardrobe. Sure, you may have a fab, supportive one-piece and stilettos, but do you have a complimentary bonnet–the kind that reminds you of the underside of a mushroom cap? Jeanne Crain sure did in 1944. Sun protection for her fabulous face!
Kobal Collection
Speaking of sun protection, actress Betty Hutton protects her mug with a salmon-colored parasol that coordinates perfectly with her swimsuit.
Is it over-the-top, dramatic, and extra? Yes. I mean, there’s a tiger. Folks complain about shark attacks at the beach, but it’s tigers that mostly do the mauling. And is it me, or does Betty look a little…I won’t say trans per se, but maybe just a bit masculine? It’s probably just the lighting of her shoulder, right?
No need to be extra if you’re Norma Jean herself. It doesn’t take high drama for her to get noticed. But well before she bleached her hair into the famous Monroe coif, she donned a bikini nearly as pale as her skin. Talk about alabaster. Okay, so maybe she’s not being extra at all (just sitting on a diving board at the community pool), but she was EXTRA white!
Kobal Collection
Perhaps you weren’t born pale ale like Whitey McWhitey. Perhaps you were gifted with tan skin like Yvonne DeCarlo. What can you do to set yourself apart from the mainstream? Find yourself a set of pier posts dangerously high above the surf, climb atop them and perch yourself, as though you can’t feel the sharp wood etching itself into your bum. Folks might think you’re mad, but what a shot for Instagram. Just don’t plummet to your death.
Va Va Voom
Still need something more eye-catching in your swimwear? How about ruched gold lame? It slims protrusive abdomens and instantly makes any woman look 20 years older. Case in point: here we have Carolyn Jones (aka Morticia Addams) posed aboard a ship railing, looking much older than her 31 years. It brings to mind an image of one’s randy aunt, having escaped her Carnival cruise cabin, full of gin, and ready to mingle.
Not extra enough? Look no further than drama queen Kim K herself, the queen of incessant yet unnecessary self-promotion, trying too hard to seem casual, while her swimsuit struggles to contain her underboob. Notice me! Validate me! Pay attention!
No, these women aren’t sick; they’re aspiring “counter girls.” You know, the ones at department stores, trying to sell you overpriced cosmetics. These ladies are just a few of the 2,500 women that took Helena Rubinstein’s 1941 one-week “epidermal consultant” training course. Here, they are learning the art of dabbing a powder puff.
We’ve all seen the hibiscus worn in the hair, but this (as the carriage driver said in the Emerald City) is a horse of a different color. Kauai-born Sherrie Hamamura is literally sporting a crown of ferns, as well as a necklace of ferns. It looks itchy and uncomfortable, to be honest, especially in a downpour.
However, her Hawaiian name is Wailana, or Peaceful Water, so she probably doesn’t sweat the small stuff. I hope that fabric is moisture-wicking and allows for movement as she performs her classical hula.
Perhaps fellow WordPress blogger and former Hawaii-dweller, Tom, may understand this Hawaiian saying printed next to her in the National Geographic: I ka olelo no ke ola; I ka olelo no ka make. “In the language is life and death.”
Evidently, fern fashion is still alive and well, as evidenced here. Long live tradition!
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