Timber!
Month: March 2017
Honey, We Can’t Live In Hotels Forever
Oh, the First World Problems of 1946! Howard wants to go house-hunting, but Mary is backed up. He offers to make her a glass of Sal Hepatica, which to me sounds like a mixture of Sal Mineo and hepatitis. Don’t do it, Mary!
You remember what happens to Sal Mineo, Mary? He gets stabbed to death in an alley by a pizza delivery man 30 years from now. Is that how you want to go out, Mary?
Fortunately, the sparkling, saline laxative works for Mary, and she jumps from el excusado to Howard’s arms in no time flat. Dream home, here we come!
Noah’s Ark Giraffes Find Fame On Swimsuit
Is that not the cutest swimsuit you ever saw? Yes, the one under “real food.” Unfortunate placement indeed.
And for the fellas, here’s some shades of Betty Grable.
Prophylactics, Pigs, And Prolon
Poor porker–he got outscienced! But take heart, you are still needed–for your delicious, delicious meat. Until then, enjoy fishing, wearing watches, and fastening overalls like the porcine do.
Hog bristle, huh? People brushed their teeth with hog bristle. Did you do that? More than one dentist has told me to never choose “hard” bristles, so I can only imagine how hard hog bristles are. Could you brusha-brusha-brusha with this implement?
I’ll pass. Chinese invented the bristle toothbrush in 1498 out of hog hair attached to bamboo or bone. I guess it got the job done, and possibly that last little fleck of pork that was wedged in between your molars. Perhaps if you only needed teeth until you were 30 (when you died), it wasn’t so bad. I have never felt so grateful for my Sonicare.
Big Yellow Taxi
This Oldsmobile isn’t a taxi, but it sho nuff is taxi cab yellow. Look how sleek! How rich people on horses wave to rich people in cars! How swag that dog is! No seatbelts!
Why, even simple Delores can operate heavy machinery because there’s no confusing clutch. All she has to do is simply coordinate her headband, jacket, and skirt, don some white gloves, curl her hair, and slip into the bench seat to drive to Vegas and bet on the ponies like the old man used to do. Gas it, Delores!
So Many Ozzie Nelsons
Clearly none of these Ozzie Nelsons has a gluten allergy. That’s one thing we can all appreciate about the Cold War era. You’ll shove it in your face, and you’ll like it. And evidently Ricky did, since he ate a hundred. Harriet, ladylike, made ’em thin and dainty. And David’s were huge to help fuel his many chores.
Ah, now there’s the real Ozzie, flipping flapjacks. I don’t know about you, but I like both The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet AND the pancakes. In fact, I named my dog Jemima. It has a better ring to it than Mrs. Butterworth.
I Don't Get It 