Never come between a varsity cheerleader and her megaphone, or she may go all Miss Piggy karate-chop on

Never come between a varsity cheerleader and her megaphone, or she may go all Miss Piggy karate-chop on

In a few hours, it will be 95 degrees. I dare not doubt the weatherman’s forecast, as I just left the pre-noon outdoors, and it was already volcano-lava-hot. Any exercise must be done in the wee small hours these days.
Despite getting only three hours of sleep last night, and despite the forecast of a Martha Reeve’s heatwave, I donned my jogging apparel, headed to the local soccer park, and began climbing the hills around the perimeter.
Perhaps the path was once grassy, but now it is a knobby rubble of limestone, ripe for ankle injuries and displaced hips. Save a lone runner wearing what appeared to be a long-sleeved shirt made of shimmery black Glad trash bags ( a self-sauna?), I had the path to myself.
As I ascended, I passed evening primroses, Indian paintbrushes, and daisies, bending into candy cane shapes in the 20+ mph winds. I cinched my ballcap tighter, to the point where I almost felt I was being birthed again. Small white butterflies suddenly appeared, staying two steps ahead of me, swerving about like hybrid cars steered by texting teenagers. There must have been a half dozen of them, apparently delighted by spring. So, too, was I, inhaling the syrupy scent of wafting chinaberry blossoms. I love me some chinaberry trees!

Nearby excavators kicked up limestone dust, as they prepared yet another new subdivision, rising like weeds around here. I turned away, shielding my eyes from the dust, avoiding a head-on collision with a shrubby mesquite tree, and noticing my butterfly friends had departed.
The ridge was steep, and my quads ached, but I thought of our friends at church who do marathons in wheelchairs, and, of course, I always think of Nick Vujicic, the motivational speaker who has no limbs. It hasn’t stopped him from enjoying the beach with his wife and son.

When I got to the top, I took in the sight of rooftops stretching to the horizon. There I was, queen of all I surveyed, lording over the peasant village. It felt good, being so high above other things, looking down on the soccer fields, the tennis courts, the swimming pool (getting freshly-chlorinated), and the parking lots. Perspective changes everything.
I jogged my hour, and that was enough. I didn’t want to. But I was glad I did. Did it burn off the calories I ate in a handful of raw pistachios this morning? Probably not. But sometimes Nike is right. Just do it.
* not to be confused with another cattier post, The Heat Is Not On, Glenn Frey.
The budding twigs spread out their fan,
To catch the breezy air;
And I must think, do all I can,
That there was pleasure there.
–William Wordsworth
April (minus the ominous dark clouds and lightning that never once lead to a drop of precipitation but simply pass over us like the Jake Ryans of the world to the wallflowers at a high school dance) is lovely. As you can see, I have more mint than I can shake a stick at. I doubt I’ll use it for more than one glass of iced tea. What I will eat, and what my best friend and I called “pickles” in our childhood, are these little sour cones:
I don’t know what they are, but I know you can eat them (pesticide-free!), and you won’t die. Other than that, my plant knowledge is limited. I would never make it on Naked and Afraid. I lack any survivor skills, and rather than try to determine which mushrooms are edible and non-toxic, and knowing I’m bound for eternal glory, I would simply shuffle off this mortal coil and head toward heaven’s brunch buffet. Surely they have migas!
However, while I remain in this mortal body, I have already spent (statistically) half of my years–which means half of my Aprils are gone, and that is a shame. Perhaps heaven is eternally April? But then I would miss my Octobers…
To be honest, I’m not sure what the plural of Doris is. Perhaps it’s Dorisi, like octopi. All I know is both of these Dorisi appear to be mature college students. And that’s great to earn your degree when you’re over 22. Grandma Moses began her career at an advanced age yadda yadda yadda whatever. That’s not the point.
The point is Doris Hamman. And her head. Truly, it’s more of a conehead shape, with flora and fauna sprouting from the apex. Not as curious as the Selma Blair forehead, which I previously shared in my Hebrew Hair post, but still.

I don’t get this hairdo either, but I’m pretty sure it has to do with samurais and trickery.
I was flipping through a new yearbook today at a bookstore (after Easter service and a lunch of pulled pork and brisket), and it’s from 1978, so everyone looked suitably ridiculous, and then BAM!

My eyes widened in wonder and confusion and I said aloud, “I don’t get it!” I even looked around to see if Allen Funt was watching me. No, it’s not homely Alice, who bears a striking resemblance to Ana Gasteyer’s “Delicious Dish” character on SNL.

It’s not even two ladies with the same face named Adrian/Adrienne L. Clay. That’s odd enough. But it’s not as odd as the adjacent living doll…

To make matters crazier, I turned the page and BAM! There was another Raggedy Woman. An Italian one. WTH?
I skimmed through the rest of it quickly and found no other Raggedy Folk, nor any explanation as to why they were there. What could I do? I had to buy it. I had to prove it to you. You see why I don’t get it?
“I don’t want to spend my life not having good food going into my pie hole. That hole was made for pies.” Paula Deen