Category: Funny

I Am A Winter, And My Glasses Are Hidd-Yuss

Feb 1985 Vogue

Actually, these owlish, oversized specs aren’t as hidd-yuss as most of the following glasses from 1985. But these Ted Lapidus ones certainly qualify.

She seems to be gritting her teeth to prevent from cursing their bulky black bamboo frame, perfect for eating kung pao shrimp.

The next model seems to have moved on to dessert.

April 85

I guess boys DO make passes at girls who wear glasses–especially if it’s Sophia Loren. She must have loved her some curlicues. And pearls. And lace.

How about supermodel Paulina, sporting patriotic fingernails?

Sorry, but those hoopy metal sunglasses are awful. Just awful. Even on Paulina.

And who among you wants their frames to be at nostril level? Not I.

March ’85

These white ones might have appealed to me as a teen, but what they delivered in style, they lacked in peripheral vision. Thus the pout.

And what about these? They remind me of spreading butterfly wings. Is she in an indoor wind storm?

Well, I hope you enjoyed this trip down memory lane (and I hope you’re wearing your glasses). After all, it’s the best way to enjoy the interwebs.

giphy.com

Why We Didn’t Keep Our Old PC’s

Cactus 1987

This picture says it all. Get a load of this atrocity. Look at the angles, the depth of product, requiring a solid foot from teensy screen to drywall. Who would bother to keep this dinosaur when new technology arrived? Not me.

Some people still have their old phones (a Nokia that fits in your palm) or their old cameras (I still have my old Nikon) or maybe their old camcorders from the pre-digital world. But I don’t know anyone who kept their personal computer relics from the 80s, 90s, or even the Oughties. Now, I am certain there are plenty of computer peeps who hold on to them (and hoarders who just. can’t. let. go.), but again, I don’t know them. Beige paint on the walls isn’t even acceptable anymore; how could one stare at a beige computer?

/www.youtube.com/watch?v=1skbgEGEn80

In the same 1987 Cactus yearbook, you can see this student studying at what looks to be a computer terminal. You can bet your bippy this was beige as well. No Windows. Was there a prompt screen?

The RTF (radio/tv/film) dept was cutting edge. Back then, it didn’t stand for Residential Treatment Facility. But surely some of the RTF majors I knew are now in one.

RTF grading its district speaker series

You can see how it was a precursor to today’s Communication Dept at the University of New Haven. Much snazzy, as Engrish would say.

Still, at the time, all personal computers seemed pretty rad.

all gifs from giphy.com

With a little coaching from the Big Boss, even girls could do it.

Speaking of girls, a contestant on Ellen’s show yesterday didn’t know how to identify what she was handed in the game of Millennials vs Boomers. It was a floppy disk. Even once identified, she didn’t believe Ellen. I guess Millennials don’t know a floppy from a hard. Remember the write protection notch?

Let’s all be glad for the death of the beige and the modern ease of use for a world that demands personal computer use daily (even if it’s inside your phone). Cheers to that!

Commodore 64

Ugly Perms Of ’84

Vogue, April ’84

That’s how I feel about perms, too, Andie. Like Andie McDowell, I had curly hair in the 80s, so no perm was warranted. Frizz was in, and sleek was out. Even Paulina experimented with the volume of the perm. Clearly, she still felt sexy in her side-eye specs.

Perms were liberating, devil may care, and wild.

When mousse came on the scene, permed styles became wetter, evoking poolside images of Christie Brinkley in “Vacation” or Phoebe Cates in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High.”

But some perms still looked touchably soft. Why bother with earrings at this point?

And let’s not forget moisturizing curls to keep them plump and full–and “sof” and free. Even the “t” in soft was too hard for these curls.

That arched eyebrow means she ain’t playing.

Some Vogue ads showed before and afters, pre- and post-perm.

It looks like they were going for a combination of Jennifer Beals “Flashdance” hair and Ola Ray from the “Thriller” video. What do you think? Is that smile cringey?

And God forbid you get a bad perm. You could never show your face in public. The solution to a damaging perm? Twigs and branches.

Sep ’84 Vogue

Hair Of Early ’86

Take a look around. People’s hair seems pretty tame these days. Yes, women from 12 to 55 are adding purple tint. That’s a bit odd. But basically, nothing in these 20-teens has anything on the 80s. Not the Oughties or the 90s.

Today we take a look at a tiny sliver of the 80s, January through April of 1986. All images are from Vogue.

Let’s start with this hair-raising vertical, erect pony. It certainly wouldn’t work for driving any form of car or truck. Perhaps she only traveled in the way way back of station wagons, prostrate. She seems the sort, no?

Gravity-defying was in, with temples swept up and away. With heavy earrings and fringe hanging down, hair needed to fly up, the opposite of the middle-parted hippie Cher hair from the decade prior.

Even the model in the fatty plus-sized section of the mag had her hair sprayed up to the heavens to make sure it never fell into her face. 

This six-year-old in a jubilant Esprit ad also had hair spiked and sprayed to the sky, accented with a bandana, a la Olivia Newton-John’s “Physical” days.

When inevitably the hair collapsed, one wound up with a Shaggy Dog look. If only she could see her own appearance, she would have jetted to the Supercuts for a trim.

These bangs win the award for thickest bangs ever. I bet you could hide a shiv in there.

And for the free and easy, peace-loving, inclusive Benetton ads, hair was free form as well. All the way down to those split ends. Peace out.

Swimsuits of ’84

Summer is on the horizon. Time to suit up and hit the waves. If you’re unsure as to what suits you, please find inspiration in swimwear from these January-June 1984 Vogues.

Could this be any more 80s? The overdone eyeliner, the one huge earring (because who doesn’t wear dangle earrings to the beach?), the low-cut animal print, and tousled hair. Perfect!

Are they feathers or surfboards? The 80s was all about colorful geometric prints.

This ad got right to the point. Wear Robby Len or nothing at all. And for some reason, one girl chose nothing.

This next one has a very aerobics vibe, with the shorn locks of a Benatar, a Jett, or even Jamie Lee Curtis. My concern is with the two buttons on her side. Avoid the downward dog!

The next Christian Dior ad is over-the-top and ridiculous. Here we see the bosom of Kelly LeBrock as it nearly spills out of her plunging neckline. Don’t hate me because I’m heavenly!

God bless America.

This next one is all about the color blocking in Crayola hues.

And lastly, we’ve got Footloose‘s Lori Singer with Aqua-Netted hair “fried, died, and shoved to the side,” as my queens used to say, holding a wailing infant (clearly upset with the quality of her pearls), while seagulls hover above. Has there ever been an image that captures the tranquility and beauty of the ocean more than this?

Doing Science To See If You’re Expecting

Vogue Jan 84

Evidently, you had to do science 35 years ago to determine if you were in the family way. I’ve asked several Baby Boomer friends of mine, but none of them recall this particular pregnancy test kit, or ever using test tubes for results.

45 minutes? That’s a lot of waiting. You can eat dinner and watch a sitcom in that amount of time. And God forbid you dropped a tube, and it shattered. Anyway, times have surely changed for the better.

Casual Ways I Pose In My Downtime

Vogue 4/86

I just got my hands on a heap of 80s Vogues, and thought I’d share some of the fun images I encountered in the following 1986 mags. Fashion models aren’t known for their realistic poses, but these are some doozies.

Looking fierce with those slim hips.

4/86

Rocking a baby, but backwards.

Oh, pardon me!

The statuesque Paulina.

Jan 86

Take the picture already. I have to pee!

March 86

The strut every woman makes when she walks into work. She’s so professional, her skirt buttons can’t stay fastened.

Feb 86

Most women like to dress up in haute couture and then plop on the floor like basic hounds, one arm awkwardly forced behind our backs. Is she on a cruise ship? Oh, Christy.

Feb 86

And lastly, the demure tribal bonfire pose.

Apr 86

Early predecessor to the culturally-appropriating fashionista Kim K.

No?

Ebony magazine

Pink Pup Tent

This month’s In Style magazine awarded its best dress dress prize to this Valentino Haute Couture number.

I could write a list of reasons why I couldn’t carry this dress off, including its billowy unhygienic groundscraping hem and that jawline-tickling collar. Truth be told, I’d much prefer the poofy pink dress from the mid-80s Carefree ads, of which it reminded me.

The ruffles and sheen are much more flattering. And golly, she just looks happier.