Brown Paper Packages Tied Up With String

shower

Aging is no picnic, unless your picnic has ants, and it’s raining. Then it is indeed a picnic. My birthday is coming up this month, and while I usually have no desire for presents or acknowledgements of the slow decline into degeneration, this year I have seen some things to add to my wishlist.

First, I want this sweater. I knew of poodle skirts, but not poodle sweaters! Of course, it would look a lot better if I were flatchested, but who cares if its little paws tuck underneath my bosom?

LHS53035Second, I want this shirt.

Rancho53-Physics TheoryWell, now that I think about it, it would look too busy on me. I guess what I really want is to SEE someone wearing that shirt in person, so my jaw can drop in awesome wonder as I marvel at it.

Also, I want a good great blow-out. No, it’s not the female counterpart to what fellas want. It requires a blowdryer. Yeah, I’ve had decent ones, but not Tony-the-Tiger GUH-REAT ones. Well, I did that one time in Texarkana nearly 20 years ago (I still remember the car honks I got while pumping gas afterward. I can hear Bruce Springsteen singing “Glory Days” as I type…) Anyway, I want to look beautiful, kind of like this:

chewieI want everyone I encounter on that day to tell me not only does my blow-out look gorgeous, but that I could pass for being in my 30s as in days of yore. Also, they will complain that they had to go hunting for their college thesaurus last night in order to find enough kind words to say about me. I will be both fetching and prepossessing all day long.

awesomeI will also receive various dark chocolate assortments, with nougats and cremes and nuts, but they will have no calories and no chemicals. And no birthday cards! Cards are a waste of $3. Just give me a $1 dollar bill and write “happy birthday” in the corner. Good enough. And nothing with glitter! Glitter is for hookers and showgirls and burlesque dancers and people who still wear tube tops. Ick.

Then we will all gather ’round and make a toast to another year of not being dead. Bartender, 7-Up all around! You know what Granny says:

declarations012But most of all, I want to never forget how blessed I am–with family, friends, a house with room to breathe, and all my WordPress blogger buddies!

Cheers!

pig

16 thoughts on “Brown Paper Packages Tied Up With String”

  1. Crazy good post kiddo. Happy Birthday when ever it is and may all your wishes come true. Even that crazy one about the shirt. I mean how could anyone not covet a shirt such as that? Best wishes every day and every way.

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  3. Kerbey,

    Love Love LOVE this post! You already had my interest on the intro line, then I read “Just give me a $1 dollar bill and write “happy birthday” in the corner. Good enough.” and laughed out loud. I appreciate your wit in your other posts as well. Looking forward to reading more from you 🙂

    -Rebecca

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  8. Happy belated bday 🙂 I hope you got lots of dollar bills with HB written in the coerner. And everything else you asked for. An unrelated comment, though it’s related to another comment: bacon brownies? Really? Tell me more! Very cool and I bet they were tasty. And I love that you picked up all those Saveurs, dog-eared or no. Pretty magazine.

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    1. Well, they were 50 cents. How could I pass that up? I’m still going through them, learning about how hot Christmas is in New South Wales and how most of Australia has foregone the traditional British Christmas meal to eat seafood! A pox on that! I curse that! I can’t recall where I saw bacon brownies. Was it The Chew? I watch so much Food Network, it could have been any show, really. It was probably a pre-fall Paula Dean.

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