I’m not mincing words today. If you have dropped your phone in a toilet, you are a dolt.
Times I have taken a phone into a public bathroom: ZERO
Why are any of you doing this? Who feels compelled to chat whilst voiding? (Don’t you hate that term when the doctor asks how often you void? Yeesh.) Women, aren’t your phones in your purse? Men, perhaps your phone is too big if it’s falling out of your small pockets. It’s not that smart if it keeps diving into a toilet bowl, is it?
Times I have dropped said phone in a toilet: ZERO
ZERO! Don’t get me wrong; I love multi-tasking, but this is not the time for it. Slow down, peeps. Don’t tinkle and text.
The truth is numbers one and two have really been getting some screen time lately in this country. I don’t think the nation has been so excited about elimination since Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo.
I don’t need to “enjoy the go.” I get in and get out. I have never taken reading material into a bathroom to spend time in there. Many folks have. More power to you. Maybe that’s really enjoying the go. I enjoy getting out. And by the way, I don’t need a cheeky British woman to talk to me about my bum. I don’t need an intervention to discuss the Cottonelle Care Routine.
But I do need a decent roll of tissue because dammit, this is America. Public restrooms are the worst. I realize they have to keep costs down, but don’t they realize if they only offer one-ply (I usually refer to it as “half-ply”) tissue, we’re just going to spend twice as long, spinning/yanking/tugging it down in three inch increments, like a nipped-out cat–until it falls to the floor like a cascading waterfall. I know you’ve heard people in adjacent stalls, struggling to liberate the paper from its receptacle. It sounds like the dryer when he-who-shall-not-be-named leaves his Leatherman in his blue jeans pockets. Don’t they realize less than a foot can take of care of business if it’s a decent quality tissue?
Perhaps you’ve heard about the conditions in Sochi. Evidently, some journalists found signs in their bathrooms saying: “Please do not flush toilet paper down the toilet! Put it in the bin provided.” No no no no! The toilet is a receptacle for waste. That includes paper. If your poo can go down it, so can paper. If not, you need to get another toilet. Because that is the toilet’s job. It takes the bad things away.
If you are a lady, you have no doubt squeezed into a public bathroom stall and no sooner hung your purse up on the hook (if there is a hook, God willing), when a sign screams at you, “No feminine products in the toilet!” And then an apologetic thesis paper follows on their pathetic septic system. Sorry, no dice. Items once in the body do NOT need to accumulate in tin bins or trash cans. That is nasty. N-A-S-T-Y. Public restrooms are a festering cesspool enough without the stench of rotting deer carcass hitting you in the face when all you wanted was to wash the gasoline off your hands. I am not down with septic tanks, people. Get with the city sewer system. Now that’s alliteration!
So why am I on my soapbox about this? Glad you asked. Well, last week I purchased a package of Charmin, and when I got it home and put it the RIGHT way (with the tissue OVER instead of under), I realized it was a transparent, scratchy Third World excuse for tissue. We subsequently checked all the rolls, and they were all like that. I made a call to Proctor & Gamble tout suite, as the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and my CSR sent a coupon to replace the purposefully cheapskate damaged product. So yesterday, I’m at the store, and after directing an elderly woman to the fabric softener (aisle 14), I realize I have a choice betwixt ultra-strong or ultra-soft.
I don’t know about you, but I have never in my life felt that I needed stronger tissue, that perhaps it was lacking in strength. A rough tissue is not what I need. Plush, perhaps. Not strong. And what exactly makes the difference? What do they add to one that they don’t add to the other? Why not marry the two? Sweet AND sour. Black AND tan. Why can’t it be both things? Sorry if this has been offensive, but I have to add this as yet another thing I DON’T GET.
I Don't Get It 
Down here in South Texas, That’s USA! They ask you not to flush toilet paper and they do provide a bin for it. So it’s not just in the third world that they do this. Or maybe this is the third world.
Ruth from At Home on the Road
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A bin of dirty toilet paper is gross.
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Well (some) men like to drink beer while talking to their buddies on the phone. And rather than say”…excuse me” they take the phone with them when they pee. So I guess it’s a fault of technology. Those damn cordless phones. Now talking on the phone while engaging in other eliminations; well,that’s just plain nasty.
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Charmin Ultra Soft is all I ever buy. I’ve tried the others, and they are so lame. One needs to pay extra for comfortable toilet paper, good coffee, organic meats. Skimp somewhere else.
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That is what I had bought, and somehow their machines forgot to put the two plies together. I went online and found a lot of comments from folks who noticed the same thing, so I think they are trying to get away with it. Like Subway putting yoga mat ingredients in their subs. 🙂
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Some people run their entire lives from sitting on the toilet. Not me, of course! 🙂
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Just for a second, I pictured you running a marathon with a catheter so you wouldn’t have to stop.
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This new clean your exit “system” popping up on TV commercials that you speak of, Kerbey, must have originated in a bidet-using country. Just a guess, as I have never used a bidet or purchased the new “system.” Just give us strong, soft, absorbent two-ply and we will survive.
OK, now, a question. I prefer under-dispensation from the installed roll. It seems easier to control the amount used. Why do you go for the “over” installation?
Or do I not know you well enough to ask?
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I have no secrets. The “over” is right there, visible for all to see. The “under” is hidden. You have to reach up and contort your wrist that you sprained at a skating rink four years ago bc you mistook yourself for coordinated and wiped out in a pool of shame. Then you scrape your fingernails against the wall tile, trying to find it and you grab at little scraps of ripped paper. I have avoided this with paper towel, as that is on its side and rolls sideways.
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Aha! I do indeed hate the hunting that must go on at too many public stalls. At home, though, under doesn’t seem to hide from me. Sideways paper towel, now that’s a new perspective.
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I have my phone neatly stored in my pocket whilst in a restroom. Talking to people in person or on the phone while using the restroom just feels downright awkward. The only reason I have my phone out in the bathroom is to charge it. It’s the only waist-high outlet upstairs.
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Really, you should just write this in the “personal ads” and that would reveal character in itself. “I do in fact smoke, but I will not call you while I’m peeing, so that balances out.” And charging on the counter is of course understandable. But the phone, to me, is similar to bringing in a plate of fried chicken to a stall. Just wait until you’re done!
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It’s a matter of give and take. Right, kerbey? 😉
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Si, Si!
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that ‘enjoy the go’ slogan… that’s gotta be one of the worst ad concepts of all time. 😀
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totally. only Depends could make it worse. “enjoy the go–let no one know.”
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haahahahaahahahaahahaahaahaa..
You have a delightfully demented sense of humor.
Keep it up!
😀
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I’m still laughing at the term ‘voiding’…have never heard this in Australia! and I agree, there are better places to catch up on Vogue.
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Is that right? Do doctors there use a fancy term for peeing ? We are told to go “void” into a plastic cup to get a specimen. Thanks for dropping by.
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A certain percentage of those who drop their phones in toilets then proceed to flush. Some of those people (around here, anyway) actually get them back. I’ll spare you the details of how but it involves septic tanks (note the plural).
I’ve not yet banned toilet paper but I’ve seriously considered rationing it. I think the dispensers in public places are rationing devices. I also have little signs requesting that certain things not be flushed, like “lady products” as my pumper guy calls them. Meet me halfway with “packaging” and I’ll take care of discreet disposal. There’s other stuff on the list, like wipes, cell phones, and several things I’d never dream of flushing but get flushed often enough to cause problems. My systems are up to date but they do have limits. On the other hand, I get plenty of stories. If they flush it, I will know.
I imagine that people who have no trouble admitting they flushed their phone wouldn’t take it sitting down if they had issues with the paper I provide, but I haven’t heard any complaints, which is a big relief.
Thanks for tackling such touchy subjects, Kerbey. I like what you do.
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You know, I never even thought about them actually getting flushed. I’m not very bright, am I? You have to do the “turn and check” before flushing, I guess. I’d figure they’d get stopped up in the pipes. But no? They just go on through? Now you’re making me wonder what else falls out of people’s pockets into the toilet…I do agree that folks should ration it if they can. No point in wasting. I’m a cheapskate that way. Thanks for stopping by.
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The newer iPhone types don’t go through but those skinny old flip phones can will. If they don’t, I roll my eyes and grab a wrench.
I just saw a Charmin commercial encouraging phone use in inappropriate places, with the hash tag tweetfromtheseat.
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no.way.
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Love the title! An oldie. 😉 Cheerz, Uncle Tree
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Cheers!
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If I had a dollar for every time I go to the restroom at work and someone gets to hear my “expel” I could be retired…..and less pissed about having people listen…LOL…sad people….
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oh, my
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