What Would We Do, Baby, Without Us?


So I’m watching–yes–another episode of the FINAL (gasp!) season of What Not To Wear, while wearing a crazy cute floral skirt and blouse myself, feeling confident and yet saddened by the former Jennifer Keaton of Family Ties fame, played by Miss Tina Yothers.  First off, I can easily get past her substantial weight gain; we all get old and puffy (even Renee Zellweger at times).  But I cannot get past her black Goth hair.  Right now, she is telling Ted, the stylist, “Once you go black…”  But, in this case, that is untrue.  I had black hair when I was 17 years old, but I’m not 17 anymore.  You CAN go back.  I realize this is a free country, and I realize this is also a rerun, so I should have gotten over it by now, but I simply cannot.  There is freedom, and then there is sanity. Freedom of fashion choice does not exclude one from the NEED to dress age-appropriately.  Or wear age-appropriate hair.  You might look pretty cute in pigtails or a Crissy Snow side-pony, but you wouldn’t go in public like that over the age of 12.

There are only four reasons to have black hair if you are a porcelain-skinned white girl like Miss Tina:

1) You were born with it.

2) You are Katy Perry (herself a natural blonde who will probably grow it back out once she matures).

3) You are Veronica from Archie comics. 

4) You are Snow White.

Now back to Tina.  For one thing, she says she hasn’t tried clothes on in a dressing room in “like five or six years.”  WTH?  Do you know many how styles have come and gone in six years?  You think six years isn’t much?  Think about your cell phone six years ago.  Think about your laptop and your old beige monitor.  Having kids is not an excuse for giving up.  Don’t be that woman in pajamas at Wal-Mart.  You are better than that.  It’s not about being trendy or even about vanity; it’s about being the best version of yourself.


Tina, like another guest named Teresa (“T”) whom they tackled on Season 8, has a fear of wearing dresses.  I DO NOT GET THIS!!  Admittedly, T had some serious issues she needed to work through, regarding mandatory Catholic school uniforms or something like that, so now T is rebelling (too old to rebel) against society and now nobody tells T to put a dress on.  In fact, T often gets mistaken for a male.  She wears men’s clothing, wifebeaters, and Crocs.   T I wonder if she goes by “T” because the name “Teresa” is not masculine enough?  All I know is T has a winning smile and lots of potential.  Rejoice in what you are: a woman.  And cute, too boot!  You don’t have to prance around like Shania Twain, declaring, “Man, I feel like a woman!”  But sweet Mary and Joseph,  I think feminists go so far trying to be the Anti-Barbie that they might as well grow their armpit hair out and wear a cup.  You can sit in the middle of the see saw, sweetie.  You don’t have to soar to the end of the spectrum.  T even admitted at the end of the show, “This process has shown me you can be powerful and still be soft.”  What what?

And, yes, I understand that Jane Lynch and Ellen Degeneres are never going to be out buying A-line skirts and flouncy dresses, but why is this a hurdle for straight women?  If you enjoy your femininity, why do you abhor dresses?  Do you feel objectified or sexualized?  Dresses are actually pretty freeing, and your thighs stay well-ventilated.  Shallow or not, most women want to feel attractive.  They want to have a good hair day more than they would EVER want world peace, and they want their lashes to look full and not to have raccoon circles under their eyes.  You can talk a good game upside down about how you want equal pay for equal work, but you know a good support bra and panties that don’t ride up rank right up there, too. Keep this mantra in mind: Fernando-resized-600 It’s nearing the end of the show, and Tina is wearing a coral dress and a black blazer.  She just said, “I feel like a woman…It’s beautiful, and I love it!”  Yes!  Victory!  One week under the tutelage of Clint and Stacey, and her broken brain got unbroken.  They fixed it, reprogrammed it to the default setting, which is XX chromosomes=embrace your womanhood.  Look, it’s 2013.  We’re not cattle rustlers in the Old West, forced to wear long, hot skirts in the heat and dust.  You shouldn’t have to ride sidesaddle in a skirt.  I get that.  You should have the right to throw some trousers and chaps on.

But guess what?  We can vote now, so go ahead and wear your clamdiggers and your slimming jeans and even your yoga pants with the holes in the crotch.  But don’t walk into a clothing store, having already written off half the inventory.  Rock a dress or skirt every now and again.  There is a balance between Amish and skank.  Find it.  And BTW, it’s soooo much quicker to pee if you’re in a dress.  Just lift and go.

Now Tina is looking in the mirror, giddy, saying, “I can’t believe I’m wearing a scarf.”  There you go–she not only conquered the dress obstacle, but cruised right on into accessorizing.  And that black hair might just be growing on me…  Either way, It’s a new and improved Tina.  You go, girl. tina-yothers_5636130

12 thoughts on “What Would We Do, Baby, Without Us?

  1. This is without a doubt THE BEST piece of writing I have ever seen on WordPress. I use to watch What Not to Wear daily but it isn’t on when it was normally,so I view it infrequently now. I am a big fan of anything that improves self esteem; without drugs. Again great piece.


      1. After reading some other responses I must agree with your concerns over black hair. Only a few complexions can carry off a jet black doo. Also there is nothing wrong with a “dude” dressing well. And the part of a relationship with women a lot of guys don’t get is that listening is not all there is. Paying attention to that new dress or haircut isn’t going to hurt you. And don’t fake it actually learn about such things. Knowing what your women looks good in and getting it for her really helps the relationship. That and knowing how to give a good massage. I can not believe I am even involved in this discourse.


  2. I am only seeing the after picture here but I like her black hair. I personally applaud any effort to dress/appear as you see fit. (this coming from the guy who had pink hair 2 years ago.. but then my hair has also been purple, vampire red, and a wisp of blue once) although I agree about the pajama pants comment. It’s humbling having pink or purple hair.. it teaches you not to judge..well because you have pink/purple hair. I am not in the habit of watching “what not to wear” because when I have seen it I find that particular incarnation of Clinton Kelly to be insufferable (although I do like him on “the chew”). People wear what is comfortable and what is Their own style dude.. stop shrieking like a howler monkey and get over it.


    1. Tomorrow I may feel differently. The black might grow on me, but it just looks so harsh. I’ve had all colors of the rainbow as well, but not as a parent. It seems like that would be hard on your kid. We have so many parents here with blue hair and mohawks and I guess I will just have to accept that is the way the world is, but I think you should get your goth phase overwith before parenthood. Pink hair two years ago? Really? Also, I would find it odd if you watched that show, as you are male, and I can understand how Clinton might work your nerves. We can’t always agree, of course. There will always be Danielles from American Pickers, who could just look so much nicer to me without the overkill of ink on the chest. But I’m saying this to a rocket tattoo, so… 🙂


      1. I think she looks better with dark hair, too! Actually, I am surprised at how good she looks. Yes, she’s not slim, but then again, she was always like that.


    1. I actually like this song! No, it does not surprise me at all that you don’t watch the show. In fact, you should skip all girly posts altogether. The Man In Black does seem right up your alley. And now that I think about it, I remember his statement about why he wore all black, but honestly, he could have donned a nice red gingham pearl snap shirt and looked just as nice.


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