This ad arrived in my mail today, in the stack with Pizza Hut and Ken’s Dressing coupons.
The model is pretty, but the throw rug in which she carved a neck hole is not. Here, you can see that the MSRP was $29.90 (oh, that’s ANOTHER thing I don’t get; why they can’t just list it as $30, like we’re going to dance a giddy jig for the dime saved!), but now it’s HALF PRICE! For only $14.95, you, too, can look like Mrs. Roper from Three’s Company.
Honestly, Stanley’s outfit is the nicest one in that pic. He could pass that one off today. The abdominal area of Crissy’s UPS jumpsuit is creating a curious diamond effect, like one of those God’s eyes we used to craft in summer camp. What you might not know is that Mrs. Roper’s caftan is constructed from the same material used to make Magic Eye 3-D pictures.
Caftans look like nightgowns. They’re hiding something, and not a delightful surprise. Something post-menopausal. Something in a hazy shade of winter.
This looks like the precursor to Snuggies; it’s enveloping the both of them.
So, anyway, I went online to the http://www.fourcorners.com website, and discovered that this lovely safari caftan, modeled by Amy Poehler, is marked down even FURTHER, to $3.95. Well, bust my buttons! For the price of an order of cheese sticks, I can score “an elegant, figure-flattering” piece of silk-like material. Four dollars isn’t even the tax you paid on your last dress.
One of the selling points beside this ad says “So versatile around the house and yard!” Really? Is that appropriate to wear to go check the mail? To walk Timmy to the bus stop for school? To do some hedge-trimming?
It also says, “Perfect for lounging or entertaining at home – even pretty enough for candlelight dinners!” I don’t know about you, but my entertaining does not involve caftans. Let’s invite all the neighbors to investigate what’s underneath this tent of a dress–lions, and tigers and bears. Oh, my–that’s not a bear!
And lest you think you can do better than four smackeroos, let me clue you in on something. This here “double-ruffle MuuMuu” costs a whopping $58.00. But Imelda Marcos is loaded, so she can afford it.
I know, I know, a MuuMuu is for a cow-cow, but this woman (not really Imelda) is (probably) not overweight. Granted, it might look better draping a window or serving as a bed skirt, but let’s not overlook the fact that the neckline is elasticized, for nights when she’s feeling sassy and wants to wear it off the shoulder. But please don’t do that, because either your bra straps will show (and we all know strapless bras are a joke), or you’ll be unsupported , and neither is acceptable. Not even in the land of luaus and lava.
I Don't Get It 