1990s, Celebrities, Fun, Funny, Humor, Music

All I Want For Christmas Is For Mariah To Dial It Down


We don’t need to rehash the Rockefeller Christmas Tree incident. Singers age and so, too, their vocal chords. I’ve winced recently when both James Taylor and Amy Grant tried to reach those old high notes. God bless them for trying but sometimes old goats can’t do young goat tricks.

Time catches up with the best and richest of us. And enough already with the 44-year-old decolletage. This is not a vision of love.


You’re a married mommy, remember? Yes, technically still married. You are better than this.

I wish you could stay the lithe, curlyheaded racially questionable five-octave pre-diva chanteuse that you were my freshman year of college, but it’s not possible. You remember her? The one who married the cadaver from Tales From The Crypt?

Ick. I could have told you marrying Smarmy Much-Older Tommy Mottola was a bad choice.

But nearly a quarter century has passed since my buddies and I would pass college bars where drag queens belted out “Love Takes Time” in strapless sequined dresses.  Time has been taken, my dear. It has been took.

So just be 44. Use a little more material. Cover it up. Stop trying to splash around in a bikini in the fountain of youth. You’ll just drown. Or worse, flail about pitiably while your middle-aged orbs spill out. From one 40-something to another: honey, just run for dry land. Let the fountain alone.


Mercy, even the trash man is trying to scoop you into a recycling bin. At least let him take the dress. Or the duct tape Borderline gloves.

You still get to be Mariah. You just can’t be Forever 21. So sit back and collect royalties and obsess over glittery butterflies and Marilyn Monroe and raise dem babies. And don’t kick Nick to the curb. He seems like such a nice boy, such nice manners. I’d introduce him to my Nana. Why, I saw him help Lara Spencer on with her pink coat this morning on Good Morning America. With or without his ruby slippers and velveteen jackets, he’s the best thing to ever hit America’s Got Talent. Give him a second chance. You knew he was young when you married him. You knew you’d have to raise him up.

And if you’re feeling perimenopausal and hormonal, feel free to throw shade all over Nicki Minaj. I don’t care if it is her birthday today. Do what you do best.


Look on the bright side: you can still be beautiful with clothes on. You’re not dead like Whitney. You can sing better than all of us poor peons who don’t have a Morrocan-style hookah lounge; you just can’t sang like in days of yore. But that’s First World Problems, girl. While your peers are busy misplacing car keys, you can chuckle in your rainstorm of Benjamins. Who needs car keys when you have a driver?

You can still be the mistress of condescension. Time hasn’t slowed that down.


And look, I’ll go one better. I won’t tag this post “vintage” like I usually do.





12 thoughts on “All I Want For Christmas Is For Mariah To Dial It Down”

  1. what the wha’ on that black dress. Or more descriptively, that black piece of fabric that covers arms, but not chest. Huh. I have not followed Ms. Carey so well, but wow. Those creative types, though…it’s all about self-expression and such. No interest in keeping things to themselves. Quite the role model for her children! A working mom anyway.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t hate her at all; I’m just over dem boobies. Jennifer Aniston is her age and doesn’t let them spill everywhere most of the time. Of course, if I looked like Aniston, I’d walk around buck arse nekkid.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I say Mariah looks Okie Dokey, Kerbey. One vote in from a guy. The dresses are too over the top for a mom of twinsies, I agree. And she should give Nick another shot. He’s a cool cat. But the Long Island diva is way better than a lot of her peers in that department, too.


  3. I agree with you, although I haven’t followed Mariah’s career in quite a while. One thing that aggravates me about Mariah and Christina Aguilera is that they have tremendous singing talent and yet someone along the way (or maybe “The Voice Within”) told them they had to tramp it up to sell records. To me, they always seemed slightly uncomfortable in their videos wearing scanty clothes. Katy Perry needs to sell sex, because she can’t sing without help from the control room, but she seems comfortable “singing” and wearing very little. Mariah and Christina Aguilera both could sell records (ahem, iTunes singles, that is… showing my age here) with their voice alone. I like Kelly Clarkson because she has a beautiful voice and hasn’t done the skimpy clothes bit… yet. Great post! I enjoyed reading it.


    1. I was watching an awards show two nights ago and Miranda Lambert came onstage, newly skinny, with Kelly Clarkson. I like them both but dang if Kelly didn’t blow it away, leaving Miranda in her dust. And I agree with all you’ve said here. Let the talent speak for itself. You don’t have to wear turtlenecks; just not jawdroppingly insufficient outfits, like Ariana Grande is wearing on TV right now.

      Liked by 1 person

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