Romping About

I just watched a clip of Romper Room (for the first time in my life–purely as research), and I made an observation: not one of them was wearing a romper.

Webster defines a romper as “a jumpsuit for infants.”  These rompers look like onesies to me.  The Free Dictionary describes a romper as “a loosely fitted, one-piece garment having short bloomers that is worn especially by small children for play.”  Neither of these definitions include garments for grown people.  And Webster should know; he’s been defining for a while now.  But I definitely remember seeing fashionable gals wearing rompers a couple decades back.  Check out this animal and floral print.  Looks like someone borrowed grandma’s negligee…

What we do know is that rompers are worn by those who romp.  Romp is defined as rough and energetic play.  Lively, merry play.  One site equated it to capering (playful skipping).  And here I thought capers were only in my Olive Garden chicken piccata. All I know is that I definitely do not romp.  I move like a basset hound with hip dysplasia.

The urban Dictionary, however, our go-to source for slang nearing obsoletion, defines a romp as the nasty, like a romp in the hay.  You know, frolicking boisterously.  In which case, one would shed all clothing, not put on a uniform to perform it.  So why does http://www.ioffer.com label this a romper?  

I’m not catty, so I’m not going to comment on a butter face wearing a butterfly belt.  Wait–is that Posh Spice?  Nevermind.  But I do take issue with this as a romper.  It is obviously a jumpsuit, more genetically related to an Elvis Jumpsuit than to a romper.  And that material clearly lends itself to dromedary toe.  So, ioffer, you may offer, but I politely decline.  A jumpsuit extends to the floor.  A romper has blousy bloomers that allow for gusts of wind to air out nether regions.  See below.

Don’t act like you don’t remember this silky little number.  I wore something almost identical in a fetching shade of maroon to my uncle’s wedding the week that Whitney Houston topped the charts with Dolly Parton’s song.  Yes, it was appropriate garb at the time, unfathomable though it be.  It was a very Contempo Casuals time in our country’s history.

Being a square may no longer be hip, but I can’t imagine that even the women who fall all over themselves trying to get a copy of Fifty Shades of Gray would want to see their man in this (yes, that’s what they called it) romper.  Don we now our gay apparel!

Surely this is impeding his cavorting.  But with that tat and that wedding band, romping is definitely on the agenda.  You go, middle aged man!  Way to keep your BMI down.  See, P90X does work.

And now we arrive in modern times, right here, right now.

They say you can’t wear it the second go round if you wore it the first go round (oh, remember Merry-Go-Round?  And The Wild Pair?  Sorry.)  These celebs look young enough to be abiding by that rule.  But that doesn’t defend these rompers.  They look wrinkly, and none of these denims is a proper dark rinse.  And is the pseudo-Applegate wearing acid-washed?  There is NO excuse for that!!  They can try to play it off as fun and flirty, but, ladies, we know the romper truth.  We know how they extend bathroom stall time by up to thrice a normal amount.  And then you’re basically hovering, buck naked, over a public toilet.  Or you resort to the tug-aside.  Either way, no, thank you.  Let’s send this look out to pasture and retire the romper for good.