Schnozzola And The Elongated Appendage

I was Googling strabismus (don’t ask), which reminded me of proboscis, which reminded me (or–as my son says–remembered me) of proboscis monkeys, which are the bomb.  If you haven’t seen them before, consider your life full now.  If they seem familiar, they might bear a resemblance to a sepia photo of an ancestor from the Old Country.

I always want to pronounce it “probiscus,” but I think that’s because I grew up in Hippietown, where the city council mandated all hip restaurants serve hibiscus tea.  I love me some hibiscus tea.

This fella looks like Cindy Lou Who, who was no more than two:

Now I’m not going to go all National Geographic on you and load you up with stats and preach how proBOScis monkeys are endangered, how they are the primate world’s most prolific swimmers, or how silly they can be when hitting the water with a belly flop SPLAT. Pinky swear.

I just want you to recognize their uniqueness.  This guy has swagger.

At first, this looks like an ad for Reach toothbrushes or dental hygiene, but I think he’s just chewing a stick. All in a day’s work.

Now pretend I’m Oprah Winfrey, narrating the Discovery Channel’s “Life” series, giving you the 411 on all animals as if she created them herself, like she’s some Miss Know-It-All Omniscient Oprah, Queen of All That Is And Will Be.  Sorry.  Now here goes in my alto Winfrey voice: The males use their bulbous, pendulous noses to attract females.  If that seems far-fetched, consider Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts. (I still love you, Lyle.)

Or the most obvious comparison, Jimmy Durante.  If you don’t know who Jimmy Durante is, do yourself a favor and Google him.

He’s actually not THAT scary.  And he did manage to wed two wives, so the nose evidently was no deterrant.

This next shot makes me want to start a caption contest.  Ever since Junior was born, it’s like I don’t even matter to you.  Whatevs.  I’m over it.

Well, I’m off to enjoy a tall glass of iced hibiscus tea now.  Goodnight Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are!