When You Care Enough To Send The Very Kitschiest

What’s snazzier than this red retro television set?

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Perhaps this dapper turtle riding down a slide in his OWN shell?  
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If you pull the lever at the bottom right, he really does slide.  See?

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G034And in keeping with the red theme, here’s a keen card for a grandson.
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I don’t know Gramp and Gram from Adam, but I bet they were fine grandparents.  Who wouldn’t feel loved, receiving one of these, assuming kids actually READ them?

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Can’t Say You Were A Little Saint

In my stack of vintage greeting cards, I found this cute birthday card manufactured by Gibson.  Perfect for a parent who isn’t a perfectionist…

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G024They don’t make ’em like that any more.

Billy Mack Is A Detective Down In Texas

Pantsless Santa and a student enjoying the March sun at the Union

Pantsless Santa and a student enjoying the March sun at the Union

If you know those lyrics, you should be clapping your hands together right now.  The Steve Miller Band’s “Take the Money and Run” topped the charts in 1976, and that’s our focus year today.  I was flipping through a 1976-77 University of Texas at Austin Cactus, one of many yearbooks in my collection.  What struck me the most was the level of unkemptness.  If that’s not a word, I hereby decree it is now.  Everything looked chaotic, in need of antiseptic wipes, hairbrushes, and ironing boards.  The 1970s just needs a darn good scrubbing.

If you weren’t alive then or were too young to recall, let me offer you this glimpse into what life was like as a student in central Texas during the year before Elvis collapsed on the toilet.

During the bicentennial year of 1976, the presidential elections intensified between Jimmy Carter and Gerald Ford.  On campus, the Absurdist Group drafted an Arts & Sausages platform.  These are not typos.  Pictured is a rally for student government.  

absurdist

This next picture of student government (next to an icon of what appears to be Slash from Guns ‘n’ Roses, which did not exist yet) shows bralessness, early male pattern baldness, and an overzealous male giving the “Hook ‘Em, Horns” sign.

hookemsilly

Here you see a computer from the research department.  Fitting this on your lap at Starbuck’s was cumbersome at best.

computerResearchdept

The Tavern was a great place to socialize and blow off steam, back when the drinking age was 18, which seems CUH-RAZY in retrospect–allowing high school seniors to be hitting the saloons.  But I guess if they were old enough to go die in Vietnam, they should be allowed to knock back a few gin and tonics before shipping out.

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The pic is not askew.  The SEVENTIES were askew.  What is he looking at?  I’d say her chest, but her chest is identical to his.  Maybe he’s taking in the scent of her Ban Roll-On.

The Texas Tavern also offered bowling.  Check out the form on this hunk.

bowling

And no college bar is complete without its “Disco Night,” which showcased the talents of diverse DJ’s.

DJ

But university life wasn’t all fun and games; a shuttle bus drivers’ strike left students stranded at the bus stops.  New “scab” bus drivers feared violent strikers.

G019Below is a portrait of The Crow’s Nest, a group formed in 1949, open to any Navy ROTC Midshipmen with a 2.0 GPA.  The mission was to develop leaders and future Naval officers.  Per the yearbook, “the mascot is any likely sea bird such as the penguin or albatross.”  Was the entire yearbook staff stoned when they edited this?

G007If you really peer into this, you’ll see not only the YMCA being performed, but knives and swords at each other’s necks, a man in aviator glasses, a Greek Fisherman’s cap, and a jogging jacket, a gentleman in a nice blazer and his underwear taking a swig from a bottle, a cowboy taking a hit off a fatty–not to mention Los Tres Amigos at the bottom.  Mercy.

Frat life seems much more tame by comparison.  Note the gender roles being broken down as Wayne prepares a pot of chili for Wendy (whose Farrah Fawcett wings seem to be experiencing an uprising of their own).  How could she resist the charms of such a hairy beast and his blow-dried tresses?

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This next glimpse of campus life has no caption.  With the exposed brassiere, I can only guess that it’s a feminist rally gone awry.  We may never know.

G021And so ends our window into the dirty grime of The Bicentennial.  Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Real Housedogs Of Atlanta

spoiledbratzwear.mysupadupa.com

spoiledbratzwear.mysupadupa.com

This morning on Animal Planet (the channel), they showed a water spaniel wearing a “snood,” so it could eat kibble without getting its ears dirty.  God forbid.  A stylish version is shown on the classy canine above.  This ain’t no thrift shop snood.

Initially, I thought this might be a Hilton sister, due to the name, the lean Anglo features and fashion foward accessory.  But this (female dog) favors Paris more than Nicky.  It also begs the question: if poodles wear leopard print, would leopards wear poodle print?  As if.  They’d be laughed right out of the pride.

Imagine if they showed up in these jazzy little numbers.  The Grinch stole Christmas and then some.  Alrighty, let’s get our Jane Fonda Workout on!

spoiledbratzwear.mysupadupa.com

spoiledbratzwear.mysupadupa.com

Let’s be honest: snoods look pretty gay on humans, much less pooches.  (And I use the word the way we did in fourth grade, so deal with it.  I’m not allowed to say it looks retarded, which it does, because that’s offensive.)

I can understand why clothing on animals is Jay Leno’s pet peeve.  They have no choice in the matter; it serves solely to reflect the whims of its owners.  And I’m not talking Halloween, when dogs get dressed up as Superman, etc.  I mean everyday clothing.  And don’t tell me they need a cableknit sweater because it’s cold out.  Our dogs live outside.  Yes, even when it’s 25 degrees.  God gave them fur.  They’re still alive.

Is this cute?  Or would PETA people cry big salty tears over this?

I weep over this Labrador’s public humiliation.  

Can you hear him singing?  I wear my owner’s clothes.  I look incredible.  I’m in this big-a$$ shirt from that Petco down the road.  

But I may just have found the Julia Roberts to his Richard Gere.

Or is it Ginger from Gilligan’s Island?

I must admit I found this next bear snood to be pretty fetching.  It makes any Doberman look less menacing.

He may look cute as a button, but now he’s burdened with your great-aunt Mildred’s partial hearing loss.

“Come here, boy.”

“What?”

“Come here, boy!”

“Eh?”

Oh, screw it.

I Will Yak This Up, No Problemo

because yaks and jello go hand in hand

because yaks and jello go hand in hand

Here, http://crankycaregiver.wordpress.com/, is the JELL-O yak ad, as promised. I’ve also included these nasty jello molds as per your request.  Vile indeed.

thesocietypages.org

thesocietypages.org

Spanish olives inside jello?  What the WHAT?  Is that Barcelona style?

And this shrimp aspic mold is undefendable.  Two of those words don’t even belong in meals!  You know what aspic is?  Per Wikipedia, aspic is a dish in which ingredients are set into a gelatin made from a meat stock or consomméNot necessary.  I’ll take my shrimp Kung Pao, thank you.

The site where I found this (listed above) shows a picture of her husband “in a state of gelatin overload.”  Visit it for more fun tidbits.

 Likewise, I would be holding my barf back if I were about to consume a baked beans gelatin mold.  You know how Duke, the golden retriever, has been trying to sell the Bush’s Baked Beans recipe for years?  Yeah, I don’t think he could PAY to give this jello recipe away.  Mercy me.  But this one rivals the beans.

cheateat.typepad.com

cheateat.typepad.com

Mmmm!  Break me off a peice of that Kit-Kat bar!  Delish.  Just in case you’re not sure what that is, it’s PIG TROTTERS IN ASPIC.  I’ll pass.  I’d rather put Harlem Globetrotters in my mouth, preferably with a side of Meadowlark Lemon.

Now the jingle I recall from my youth is as follows: Watch it wiggle, see it jiggle. Cool and fruity, Jello brand gelatin. Of all desserts, you’ll love the one that tastes so light and makes such fun. Make Jello gelatin and make some fun.

See?  Nothing in there about tripe or menudo or things that give you the trots.

Still, there was one man in the 50s who broke the mold (I couldn’t help myself).  Thomas Lehrer, who taught classes at MIT, Harvard, and Wellesley, claims to have invented the JELL-O shot.  I guess it DOES take a genius to find a better use.