My Nuts Make Me Better Than You

Last week, we were in the unfortunate position of being in a Target, which I try to avoid, as they discontinued playing music and always only have one checker, despite there being 1200 patrons in the store and 15 lanes. In a stroke of luck, we found some Planters cashews on sale, and curiously, the wholes were the same price as the halves and pieces. Now, listen, I’m not royalty. I don’t toss my bills into the air all devil may care. I’ve spent my life eating halves and pieces like the lower to middle income person I am.

 

But here was an opportunity–finally–for me to feel superior to everyone, to put a nut in my mouth the way that God intended, whole, not broken, like most of this country. And in a time of unrest and people unemployed and so bored that they look for every opportunity to be offended where no offense was intended, I decided YES this is my moment. My moment to step up that ladder one caste level and taste what I’ve been missing.

To be clear, this was not a short fat can, like short fat poor people. This was a long and lean tin like greyhounds and Windsors and ladies who lunch, despite eating disorders. This was a can of abundance and hope and opportunity. This can was my people, where I truly belonged. No longer was I tossed out “pieces” like a commoner, a prole, a dog begging his master for scraps. Nay! This was the entire brown crescent! Not crushed by the foot of the man, here to oppress me. But untainted, unbroken, uncompromised. And while the image says “lightly salted,” ye who know me know I am nothing if not salty.

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I poured out a handful of the beautiful cashews. Now I am important! This is my mink coat! This is my rapper grill, demanding that others affirm my value! Look at me, I have gold chains! My messy past is erased, and now I matter! But guess what? They taste the same. They simply require more labor from you, as they need to be chewed more. And what is the lower class but not the laboring class? Chew, prole, chew. Fatten up, for there is much labor to be done! So many dichotomies. And it occurred to me that I didn’t need whole nuts to feed my self-esteem. The fact was I was eating cashews, and that still made me better than any peon eating peanuts, no? And “peon” literally means Spanish-American day laborer. So there you go. Can we choose to be offended by that? Now, I’ll go one you one better!

Uh-oh! Don’t say that one out loud.


17 thoughts on “My Nuts Make Me Better Than You”

  1. I love cashews. The Fresh Thyme market has a serve yourself area for nuts and stuff. Sometimes when I feel Regal I buy a few dark chocolate covered cashews to eat on the way home. As soon as I put the first one in my mouth the clouds part and the sun shines down on me. Just me. Behold the power of the cashew.

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    1. Ha! Yes! We have a Sprouts (maybe similar to Fresh Thyme?) that has dark chocolate covered nuts, and I feel the exact same way. Like the opposite of the Sound of Silence. Hello, lightness, my old friend.

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  2. I love cashews. Everyone in my house loves cashews. I often buy them for cooking with as they add a nice creamy, crunch to a veggie stir fry. I have to leave a note on the tub to warn everyone not to snack on them until after I have cooked with them.

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  3. Great post! When it comes to cashews, I have two words for you: Cost Co. I mean there’s really nothing better although it’s embarrassing taking out that second mortgage or selling your first born to afford the giant plastic bottle full of goodness. Giant whole cashews so big they could walk down the shopping aisle and dare you to snark at them. But truth to tell, it’s the chocolate covered raisins and almonds that are my personal kryptonite. Like crack to an addict, I cannot have them in the house lest my paws are constantly stained with traces of my weakness.

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    1. We have a Costco a few minutes away but I have never been in there for fear of the Walmart-esque folks, and isn’t there a yearly fee? For my friend with six children, it makes sense. But we are only three. And you are only two! Are you blowing your Social Security checks on cashews? Although I guess protein is beneficial. I’m just picturing you eating raisinets. Do you like raisins in their natural state? Or just chocolate covered? We always have tins of Blue Almond almonds in the pantry.

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      1. If you have anxiety over size (don’t worry, it’s common) you could always split a bottle of super cashews with a friend who is a member. We use Costco a lot but that’s because we also freeze stuff a lot. It’s not uncommon for one of us to remark, “OK, well, I guess we just bought our six month supply of______.” I like all raisins but those fat, juicy choco-covered Costco critters are my downfall.

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  4. Cashews are splendid, yes, Kerbey. I have wondered if the fragments I too purchase by the bag in Walgreens less expensive house brand are the ones that splinter off naturally during the get-to-shelf process, or is an extra step needed to intentionally crush naturally whole nuts to make the halves and splinters? What do we think, Kerbey?

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    1. Gosh, that is a good question! That also has reminded me how certain nuts can taste bad because of the oil they are in. I don’t eat the Walgreens brand of Nice or the CVS brand because those both taste off. I had to give the honey-roasted ones to the dogs. I’m guessing they don’t intentionally crush them.

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      1. Now I will be suspicious the next time I bite into the Nice cashews, Kerbey. I’ll let you know if I think the oil is funky! I have not tried the CVS brand; there are fewer of those stores around here. The ‘other’ major pharmacy outlet is Kinney’s. Also, Wegmans supermarket also pushes their in-store pharmacy prescription counter service. OK, we will go with the notion that the cashews crumble themselves in the process!

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  5. Team cashew here as well! I love making cashew butter. I spread it on toast in the morning with a little bit of honey. It’s so tasty. But yes, it’s pricey so only very occasionally do we splurge on it.

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      1. Merry Christmas Kerbey! ❤️

        Cashew Butter
        2 tablespoons honey
        ⅓ cup walnut oil
        2 cups roasted cashews
        ½ teaspoon salt

        Heat honey slightly (about 15 seconds in microwave). Add oil.

        Pulse nuts and salt in food processor for about 5 seconds.

        Incorporate honey and oil into mixture and process until an emulsion is formed and becomes smooth (approximately 45 seconds). If the mixture is too thick and does not spread easily add a bit more oil.

        Yields approximately 1-1 ½ cups

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