1990s, Celebrities, Culture, Humor, Music, Nostalgia, TV

So Not Feeling 22

Taylor-Swift-22-morethanmovie

She’s on TV right this second, dancing in her new video, singing, “I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 22.”  And that’s great because she is 22.  She doesn’t seem to DATE 22, but whatevs.  It’s a free country.

Now, I’m not 22, so I don’t feel remotely 22.  But here’s the thing I don’t get:  I don’t feel the age that I am.  I feel more like quadruple 22.  Like a good solid 88.  What’s up with that?  It’s like middle age plus interest.

Now if I were 22, I might spin around dizzily and gloat about it as well.  I graduated college at 22, so yay–one dream accomplished.  Has it benefited me in any way?  Well, that’s another post.  I own a video of me at 22, tanned and fit, doing front handsprings in a blue gingham bikini on the back lawn of a lake house.  So, yeah, 22 was pretty freaking great.  Nicole Brown Simpson didn’t fare so well that year, but sometimes life sucks.

Taylor starts the song with these words:

It feels like a perfect night to dress up like hipsters
And make fun of our exes, uh uh uh uh
It feels like a perfect night for breakfast at midnight
To fall in love with strangers

Yeah, not so much for me.  I have some reading glasses so that I can read the size 4 font on the Advil bottle, but I don’t possess any horn rim glasses, so I’m out on the hipster thing.  And exes?  Exes are something you bury deep in the recesses of the past, raised like Lazarus at the sound of arena rock songs, then quickly repressed again. Highway run… And breakfast at midnight?  Well, that’s a good possibility, due to a decade of insomnia.  But it won’t be eggs.  Gotta watch my cholesterol.  Hello, shredded wheat.  And mercy, girl, don’t fall in love with strangers.  Keep your knees together or you’ll find TROUBLE, TROUBLE, TROUBLE.

In the chorus, she sings, Everything will be alright if we just keep dancing like we’re 22.  I did a lot of dancing at 22, but it wasn’t to pop country, Miss Swift.  In fact, Shania Twain hadn’t even been invented yet.  Back then, they showed videos on MTV.  It was a very Gin Blossoms and Warren G time in history.  When Tom Petty came on the radio, singing the verse, “Oh, my my, oh, hell, yes, honey, put on that party dress,” it was a joy.  Pure joy.  But you can’t dance to Mary Jane’s Last Dance.  There was also a hit called Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm.  No lie.  That was depressing.  Can’t dance to that.  And then there was this weird totally instrumental song that sounded like monks or something called Return to Innocence by Enigma.  Can’t even sing to that.  And lastly, the omnipresent little Lisa Loeb and all her nine stories, with her cat’s eye glasses, staring into the camera, singing Stay.  Poutable, but not danceable.  

So forgive me if I can’t dance like I’m 22.  Or 32.  But I have degenerative discs now, including torn and bulging ones.  So I don’t know about you, but I should probably just sit this one out.  Maybe in the new plush recliner.  With a glass of moscato in my hand.  Yes, that sounds like a plan.